Wednesday Wonderings

 Good morning, Universe. 

I hope your day is playing nice. Mine is not so bad for the most part. I had to give myself a swift kick in the butt to get moving. See, I woke up again missing my Momma and my baby sister. However, that's not all that unusual for me. I've also been thinking some long thoughts of late. My youngest son is about to graduate high school in a few weeks. I find myself in this parental paradox. I'm proud of my grown-up kids, but I miss them being my little ones sometimes. The time will soon come for them to go out into the world and make their own lives. There's going to come a day when I'll rarely see them myself. And of course, I want them to have their own lives and be happy in those lives. Through the many events where various people left us, some by choice, others who had no choice at all, life can be kinda lonely when you're in the position I'm in. Seems I lose people left and right. They say it is a natural part of life, and while I understand, that doesn't make it easy. But the show must go on and I've got a gig to play. (tunes up guitar) Let's rock. This one is dedicated to loved ones and the fullness of time. Give me happy beginnings, happy middles, and happy wherever in the timeline of all history. But endings? I have never seen an ending that was even remotely happy. I have seen the ending of illusions. I have seen the ending of relationships. The only happy ending is when it was something bad that ended. And even then, it took me years to realize that it was for the better. As smart as I am in some ways, I am also one hell of a slow learner in others. That's putting it kindly, as we know we are our own worst critics. I have seen the endings of people dear to my heart. Far worse is the infinity that follows. It's not just that they were gone that day, or the next day, or the day after. It is the fact that so long as I have a heartbeat, I must live without them. The happy times were not at the end. It's moments from the middle that brought happiness. Memories, ancient memories, seeming so mundane and ordinary at the time, but so significant and defining in retrospect. Amid the backdrop of ordinary life, they positively shine. As for the future, I realize that even if I am lucky in all other aspects, there is old age and the consequences I have ahead of me. I have watched this happen to people that I love. The thing about the elderly is that it is the one group of people we will all become one of them if we live long enough. Unless somebody trips over the fountain of youth, it is inevitable. Knowing my luck, I'd probably drown in the damn thing. (Okay, that's my dark humor showing). When you love someone, you want them to be healthy and strong. You want them to be able to enjoy their life and live to the fullest. And for that reason, growing old just plain sucks, for myself and especially for the people I love and want to keep around forever. So, there has to be more in life to look forward to than simply that. I believe that finding happiness (Whatever path that is for you) is the ultimate meaning of life. Life is so damned short. Life is cruelly short. There are so many I know who deserved so much better. Sometimes, I think we barely get enough time to truly know each other before we have to settle for remembering. And happiness needs to manifest itself way before the end. The ending is far too late. Time is the biggest troll of them all, far bigger than even what you might find on the internet. The age-old advice about not feeding the trolls unfortunately does not apply to the time troll. That bastard's gonna eat anyway. Among his favorite dishes are youth, opportunity, loved ones, familiar places, and faces. Nothing seems immune. For me, it seems that the only things that never change are the things I wish would. And it seems so many of these changes are for what and for whom I wish could have stayed the same or stayed around. The only changes I ever wished for those I love were the ones that could have brought them happiness and meaning. Friends, I'm still coming to grips of the ungraspable. There is so much beyond my understanding that I thought I would have figured out by now. I am beginning to realize I may never understand. So the million dollar question seems to be, "What, now?"

Life these days seems to be all about getting through said days, not to mention the nights. The nights are not so bad when I find myself in the loving embrace of sleep. It is those nights when even sleep has forsaken me that are the absolute worst. Too much time to think brings on those heavy thoughts better left in the darkness. Their heaviness weighs down anything and everything. In those times, I'd much rather not think at all. It's another day to get through, another day of hoping to survive the change one more time. Not a single tomorrow has ever been promised. Even so, the days seem to blend. The only differences seem to be what's missing and who's missing, what I miss, and who I miss even more. Just another day before me, another on to make it to the end, from the beep of the alarm to the drifting away to Tarkin or Darth Plaguies... Another day of work and sodas and snacks, of missing Marsha and Momma, of delving into my computer to endlessly try to forget the unforgettable that I feel would be so wrong to forget. 

My days are about as full of contradictions as I am. It seems to be a real-world fact that opposites can both be true at the same time. No wonder the mysteries of this universe are beyond imagination. Perception can be deception. There have been moments that I doubted my own eyes, questioned my own heart, and wondered about my own mind. Emotions can cloud what is real, but emotions themselves are about as real as it gets. They have to be real, even if they are confusing sometimes. There is nothing more real than how you feel. And that is what colors my world, sometimes rose red, sometimes deep blue, sometimes an aquamarine dream. My favorite, actually. It's the same old world. Only the lens of perception changes. Sometimes, I'm okay. Other times, I am far from fine. Sometimes, I've got this. Sometimes, I feel I'm barely holding on. There have been times, especially in this past year, that I felt I was losing my sanity. Why? Because there have been times in the dead of night when I have called out for help to someone who couldn't possibly help me anymore. I don't know why I do this. She was the one who needed help that last year of her life. And now, she certainly can't help me, and worse, I can no longer help her. But on some subconscious level that bypasses logic and thought, I guess the child within me calls for their mother. "Momma, can you help me?" No. she can't, and I wish you would cut this out already. I guess if I really start arguing with myself, you can lock the door and throw away the key. Grief does strange things, man. Once upon a long time ago, I thought grief was only tears, but it is oh so much more than just crying over someone. It messes with both body and mind, physically and mentally. And be it one or the other, the mother and child reunion is only a breakdown away. I never knew I could get on my own damn nerves. In an Ozzy reference, I always knew I was on the crazy train. I just didn't know I was the damn engineer. What was it Anna Nalick sang? We can't jump the tracks? We're like cars on a cable? She was 100% correct. And what was it the Cheshire Cat said? Aren't we all mad here? And speaking of madness and hatters, how about another clean cup move down? Take a seat, I insist. Why, you simply must have a cup of tea! 

 

As much as I hate to say this, there are no magical gateways in life. There are only escapes, some healthier than others. None of them take you very far. Old 3D video games and visual novels were my favorites once I realized drinking and music were not. Music works better for focusing, and drinking these days only makes me think of hangovers. Hank Williams Jr. was right: They hurt more than they used to. So, games it is. In visual novels, I get to romance anime girls. In Doom, I get to fight monsters. Just so long as we don't confuse the two, right? Actually, there is HDoom, and there are monster girls, but never mind that. I also like to edit HTML, build programs in DOSBOX, and things like that. Photography is another hobby of mine. I'm not a professional, but it is something I enjoy sometimes. And that's as close to escaping from this world as I can get, at least for now. I do whatever I can to distract myself and keep the heavy thoughts and the loneliness at bay. See, I often feel as though my life was over except for the actual dying. There is so much around me I wish I could be a part of, but I could never hope to. So much I want to see and be, but it's impossible. Still, when you spend enough time wishing you were somebody else, you kinda find a way. Yes, my hobbies and games and the ways I kill time might seem silly or even stupid, but they are my life raft that keep me above those dark waters of depression. There is more that I really wish I could talk about, but I can't. Not now, not yet. But, suffice to say that my voyage on these waters to try and find my true self is the very reason I did not capsize and sink. They might call me silly. I call myself alive, and that silliness is a good deal why I still am. See, that's the wonderful thing about Doctor Blog-ieo. While I can't say I hold nothing back (because I do hold back on certain subjects), I can say this is a place where I can be totally honest about what I do talk about. And really, everything else is obvious if you know where to look. I'm sure a real mind doctor would figure it out in no time. And sooooo. How about yet another clean cup move down? Why we couldn't possibly have any less tea, right?

Life needs to be about so much more than meaninglessly going through the motions. That's perfectly okay for robots and drones, but certainly beneath we humans. Our minds are much more than simple computers. We are heart, spirit, and soul. We are not simple calculators. We are beings, entities. We are more than the sum of our grey matter. We are more than the creatures we appear to be. The fact that we live, that we ever lived, should mean something. Living life just to stay alive was a task of our ancestors. We need so much more than that. I need so much more than that. The Martian's advice to Colonel Wilder (The Martian Chonicals 1980) about life being its own answer is just not enough for me. The reason for living has to be so much more than simply remaining alive. How is this better than Oblivia's loving embrace? Have I mentioned her before? She's just a symbol, Goddess of Eternal Oblivion. I figure, depending on which is true, whether or not there is life beyond, I'll either find myself in the presence of my baby sister or in the realm of Oblivia. While I'd prefer the former, either would mean the end of my struggle, the end of pain. Infinity has its downside, you know. Endings are never happy, but they can be releasing, freeing, the lifting of a long-held burden. This is better understood by a heavy heart and a fatigued mind. I guess every season has its reason, which brings me back to the topic of time between now and then. I need better reasons, my friends. The Martian's advice is not enough. Religion has never been an answer either. Besides, I get tired of hearing how bad we supposedly are for merely being human beings. My friends, do you blame the watch, or do you blame the watch maker? Oh well, that's one of the subjects I avoid for good reason. Clean cup move down? It's a bit of a comfort in knowing that I have no exclusive copyright on madness. Look around. It's not just here, but almost everywhere. There is something to be said about logic and reason. However, when have we ever been very logical or reasonable? We are creatures of emotion trying to be logical. It's like skates on a non skater on a frozen lake. It's gonna be a wild and crazy ride. Especially for me as I am from the deep south where lakes do not freeze. Think Wile E Coyote on fast forward, brought to you by the ACME corporation, earthquake pills, batman suits, and rocket powered roller skates. This is definitely not Sparta. Therefore, it must be madness.