I have something in common with my cellphone: Apparently, I Too, will shutdown and reboot unexpectedly. Happened today. Suddenly I felt extremely tired, so much so that I felt sick. The world got a bit fuzzy and I had to make a beeline for my bed. That was today-ish. Now, it's tonight-ish.
Either way it must have been just what I needed. I feel like a million bucks compared to how I've been the last few days. Who knew that JonathanOS would have anything in common with Android?
There are days, even the bright and beautiful days we have seen here of late, where it's just very difficult to climb out of this depression. It's a shame, because the weather has been quite lovely.. It seems the storms within can be just as heavy as the storms without.
Self-doubt is a hell of a thing. And isn't it all a matter of perspective? And, affirmation, reassurance, validation is not something you're going to find on a social media. It is not even something one should expect from others, though it is sure nice when it does happen. I make mental notes to myself to give out whatever reassurance I can for that very reason. Still, we have to find much of that within ourselves. But it sure ain't easy bein' cheesy.
And grief was something my naive younger self once thought I understood. But I didn't. Not really. Time does very little. I have found out that I have to put in my own effort, and there is a part of me that just doesn't want to. It is like I feel I would be forgetting Momma, Marsha, or my dearest friends I have lost. It is like I want to hold on to the pain, even though it's not good for me, even though none of them would have wanted me to be in this mess that I'm in.
I walked outside this afternoon and sat in the sunshine for a good while. This is no longer the January sun. It is warmer, brighter, and stronger. Now, If only I could be too. Every year has its seasons. Every life has its seasons, too. There's got to be a few more springs left in this one. I hope so at least.
I have at least reached the point in life where I mostly know who I am and what I want for however many years I have left. The problem is that knowing what and why does not determine how, and if it is even practical. And nothing is exactly guaranteed to be for the best anyway. I am definitely flying blind here. I can't say whether I am headed for a cliff face or the sky. And I am just getting too damn old to be taking such risks. If I were younger, I would have had plenty of time to rebuild from scratch if my whole life comes crashing down. In fact, There were a couple of times I sort of had to. But this time it could be so much more and I have just dealt with too much loss as it is.
I have been standing on that figurative edge for several years now, and it just does not get any easier. Part of me wants to fly, and the other is scared shitless. Wouldn't it be breathtaking and beautiful if I could simply put aside my fear? There would be an all too short moment of elation, no doubt, with the rock wall of reality fast approaching. If I could maybe pause time forever. If I had this whole thing to just do over, so many things would be different. I would apply the many lessons I would otherwise never have a chance to. As it is, I guess I'll never know.
For any who might stumble upon all of this, I thank you for joining me on my journey to find out. It means more to me than anyone will ever know. Sending my love and wishing everyone all the best. May we all find what we're looking for.
(If possible)
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