Universal Wonderings

 

So, what do you think of the universe?

Vast, empty, mostly dark, bright in places, and there may be more than one. Also, I appear to be in this particular one, right here and right now. To the best of my knowledge, anyway. The universe as it stands is the status quo. Wait. Isn't it that why they call it that? Well, anyway, hello there, whoever you may be within or without, where and whenever you may be in space or time. Greetings from here and now and from the true self who rarely gets a word anywhere else. Here I am. Hello, it's me. Ask me anything. Strange how I find myself here again and again. Weird dreams again.  I had another maze dream last night, several this week, actually. I was wandering this abandoned place, finding random items I lost years ago. My kids were with me and they were all the little ones they once were. They were helping me look for those lost things. At one point we were on this old rusty railroad bridge that lowered like an elevator. It lifted back up into this dusty room. Suddenly there were holes in the wall and you could see construction workers building a bridge on the other side. Building bridges and finding what was lost. It is a lovely thought. In the 2nd one I was apparently 28 years older than my actual age. So, either I got a preview of 2040, There are such things as past lives, or dreams are just dreams and my subconscious has one crazy creative imagination. Pick one. I gave up on being sure a very long time ago. I got tired of proving myself wrong, so these days I just leave things open. The other dream was a typical maze dream that was a combination of my workplace and a really old Freedoom level 13 that resembled a factory. Apparently everyone else had gone home for the day. It was dark. I should have left too, but I was wondering that dark maze trying to find the time clock. I finally found it, but it was computerized gibberish, and I couldn't figure out how to clock out. For some reason in that dream world, I could not leave until I clocked out. And I couldn't clock out until I deciphered the hieroglyphics. Those maze dreams of mine, always different, always the same. Maybe Freud could figure them out, but I never will.

 As I have said at times, There are some things I'm just never going to understand. Maybe it's my introverted nature. You see I just don't make friends or form bonds very easily. But.. It does happen, you know, once in a great while. And when it does, it tends to last. It is just as hard for me to break them is it is to make them. The payoff for the rareness of friendship is when it actually does happen, it's for real.  So maybe I've missed something when I see how people can be replaced so easily. Maybe in a work or business setting, But I just don't get it on a personal level. How can they do this? Doesn't something seem missing? Doesn't something feel off? A person, especially a friend (Or beyond) is not exactly replaceable.  Or at least I can't see how.  Friendship is not a list stored on a distant server. Friendship is not a box you can check or uncheck.  Friendship is not born of logic. In a world of eight billion human beings you find maybe a very few that make life a bit more bearable, that brighten a room simply by walking into it. Friendship is that rare gold. And love, love is Platinum. And if I have ever called you friend, If I have ever said "I love you", Know that it is still true today, know that it would take Hell freezing over for this to ever change. And that's yet another two cents of mine. Save 'em up and buy a Mercedes.

I wonder if any of this will ever mean anything. Maybe it's the closest thing to friendship I'll ever find again. I don't know. Maybe I never will. I wonder how long it will outlast me, sitting on a long forgotten server on its very last legs, archived on some old hard drive. Maybe it will be on one of my ancient M-Disks. And would it just all be gibberish to anyone else? I do not exactly translate my thoughts, I merely write them down. How long would it outlast me? And does it really do any good? Maybe at least for me it does. I may be venting to an empty void, but venting is venting, right? And what would be the main points I would want the universe to know about me, my desires, hopes and dreams? I guess the first thing is that thing I said last time. The choice was never who or what to be, but only what they see. I can only chose who I am outwardly. Inwardly, it is the same as the laws of physics. Light is light, gravity is gravity, motion is motion, and I am myself. What to be and what they see. Secondly, nothing was ever sudden. My journey was never about becoming, but discovering and realizing. If you are wired a certain way, then that is you. You are not like something, you are that something. Simple, plain, clear. This is you. The world and society may say otherwise, but the more involved in that lie you become, the deeper the misery you will drown in. Be yourself as much as you can. I never really wanted much you know. I can be content enough with the things I need with a few wants thrown in for kicks. I'd love to be understood. It is understandable I would want to be loved. Maybe remembered? Also I would want for Marsha to be remembered. My baby sister was awesome, you know. She was one of the few friends I had; Friend, guardian, warrior. Think Alice Johnson from Nightmare 4. We were built of similar wiring so we were on a similar wavelength. I told her things about myself I wouldn't dare to this day tell anyone else. She understood. She also had an awesome sense of humor, and a kickass taste in movies, music, and video games. We were siblings not only by having the same parents. We were sibling spirits too, born of the same star. I don't think I could make the world understand what it lost almost a year ago. I want her to be remembered forever. A part of myself died that day. There is something missing when I look in the mirror. The Wonder Twins are no more, now just myself, my words, and my grief. Remember her. Remember my sister, please. Lastly, I would want people to know that I did nothing based on superficial reasons. There was surely meaning, feeling, and reason behind most everything. I didn't just wake up one day and say, hey! la la la, I'll do this! Impulsive I am not. Maybe I should have been at times, but again space is space, time is time, And I am me, she is she, we are we, and we are all together. (And I am not the walrus) See what I mean about not translating my thoughts? Truly, I'm sure that most everything I would want everyone to know is in here somewhere. It's just it's about as disorganized as my thoughts. It makes sense, as what you see here is the majority of them. As for the rest, I hope there will come a day when I can truly share everything.

They talk of circles and bubbles, people  figuratively and literally living in another universe. But is there such a thing as a bubble for one? You know, table for one but it's a bubble. And wouldn't it suck not having anyone to relate to? Wait a minute... Oh yeah. You know I think there very well may be such a thing. And maybe in this cloud of bubbles, there might be one or two that would mesh well with this one. Bubbles do merge once in a great while. And that's when you find out whether random chance is your friend or not. Bubbles like escape pods in interstellar space. Subspace is offline and you've gotta use hand signals out the window. Good luck, pal. You've got this. 3 or 4 hundred years, tops.  As that song by The Stones goes, It is so very lonely to be 2000 lightyears from home. I know I simply can't be the only one, right? Right? Hello? Maybe there is an answer beyond the cosmic horizon, too far to ever know about. So where's the harm if I just assume it's there? I could never be proven wrong, so long as nobody invents warp drive. I feel as though I've been cast adrift from whatever clusters of humanity there happen to be. I am all alone on the sea of life. But the water is a lovely shade of aquamarine. The sky is that deepest blue. At least today it's nice. Sadly there are storms. And, what a storm this year has been. As many times I have written or spoken of how much I miss my sister, It could take away none of this void in my heart. As for Momma, I seem to call for her when I am walking that tightrope between awake and asleep. It's weird as hell, man. It's not something I purposely or consciously do. And I kinda scare myself with it. It reminds me how she would call for my grandmother sometimes. Her mother had been gone since 1999. Twenty-three years later, the mother and child reunion. Momma and Granny. Marsha and Momma. And for me? Only a heart attack away. Or a stroke or a car wreck, or any other of the million things my anxiety says might happen to me.. That song certainly has taken a darker, deeper meaning for me. The mother and child reunion, only a heartbeat away.  Man, did these thoughts suddenly become so heavy! My thoughts are like a combination rollercoaster and lazy river ride. And they're also like a box of chocolates. You damn sure don't know what you're gonna get this time or next time or at any point in spacetime. If you like surprises, you'll love my heavy thoughts. Momma never liked this kind of talk out of me. She said it was too morbid. In a bit of teenage angsty rebellion many many years ago, I named my writings 'Morbid Poetry' after what she had called them. But older me tends to think maybe Momma was right. Edgar Allan Poe was a cool dude, but you'd never want to be him. Dearest Friends, Romans, and strangers, especially those who are just as I used to be. Try not to be so gloomy in your thoughts until you get kind of old like me. Life will give you plenty of reasons, time will take away those you love.. And it's tough, so godamned tough... Especially when you might could have been less gloomy and made more happy memories with them in your youth. Never fear: There will be plenty of time later in life to be dark and gloomy, to feel the coldness of the void. That's where and when a blanket of warm and happy memories to cover your soul will be needed most.