Well, Today is December 21, the Winter Solstice, The shortest day of the year in my part of the world. I don't mind the darkness, but I do mind the cold. There is something about a day like this you can feel deep within your bones. This overcast bleakness does seem to cast a shadow on my very soul. It kinda makes me wish I could hibernate like a bear. They're saying that my local area is about to see the coldest weather it has seen in the better part of a decade. In other words, it's gonna be rough. Fortunately, the worst of the deep freeze will be here on my days off and I have absolutely zero plans of leaving my house those days. Heck, I might not even leave my bed, Just watch movies or read books all day long while still under the warm covers, drifting in and out of sleep. Sounds like a nice day off work to me. It's even better than being a bear hibernating in a cozy cave. It's gonna be this human hibernating in my comfy bed. Funny how in wintertime here in the northern hemisphere, the Earth is actually closer to the sun than in our summer. It's just the tilt. And today is as far as we tilt away. I remember it actually quite warm and spring-like this time last year. Looks like Winter is starting sooner in the 850 this go around. Looking back, I remember New Year's Day was warm and sunny, a deceptively beautiful start for 2022. Yet, 22 days later, I lost my baby sister. Two months and two days after, My mother too. Then AT&T thought they would charge me 55,000 dollars for less than one week of the crappiest internet ever, and give me the runaround on fixing their error. Between the grief and the stress of it all, it is one hell of a miracle that I didn't wind up in an insane asylum. I mostly managed to meltdown when people weren't looking, except for that one time. After all this, my father and one remaining parent managed to trip over the dog and break his leg in three places. It took him a couple months and one surgery to get better. September brought my first birthday without Marsha's phone call, a birthday I spent carrying my father to doctors appointments and to the hospital for x-rays. One week later brought Marsha's birthday. I can't think of a year I didn't wish her a happy birthday in one of my many voices. I guess I can be a bit grateful that the October hurricanes missed my part of the state this time. I still hate it for the people down south. After Michael, I completely understand what a hell that is.
Then there are these other things that have been happening beneath the surface since last year, and even before. Those worries never really went away, merely overshadowed by the Hell year 2022. Though I miss them both dearly, there were things I could never talk to my mother about. I just felt safer, more secure, talking to Marsha instead. Maybe it was our similar wiring, similar minds, the fact that we dealt with similar internal hassles, if not exactly the same. Now that she's no longer here, This blog is the only place I can really speak my mind. And there are limits on what I would feel comfortable talking about here when I wouldn't hesitate to tell her. This is the slightly censored version. The extremely censored version where I hardly say anything at all anymore would be on social media. The only completely uncensored version is in my thoughts themselves. Maybe there will come a day when I find the courage to truly speak out. There are some things for various reasons we all must face alone. Either we can't talk about them, can't really explain them, or maybe we're a bit more complicated than words allow. There are some accomplishments that seem so mundane, as in keeping the bills paid, the lights on, and the kids fed that can actually be quite monumental. Or it could be something as simple as driving in a big city, or going to a large gathering of people. But it's only simple from the outside looking in. Friends, I know I may not understand, but I promise to try. I say these words that I also wish to hear. Ever get the feeling you were maybe built for something other than this? Worse is the feeling that I have long ago glitched out of this game of life at a point where my character was supposed to have bitten the bucket or something. I am not merely a fish out of water. Somebody done put me in the wrong damn bowl. Or so I feel sometimes. Could be worse. At least I'm not swimming with the piranhas. Now there's a B movie title for ya. I wonder what genre? Bad comedy or cheesy horror? Can't see this being a romance movie. I don't see anyone swooning and falling into my arms, or letting me swoon and fall into theirs. Ah, dinner, a movie, a midnight swim in the Amazon. No, no, no, I've done heard too much about the creatures in that river. It's only rumors. but I take no chances getting bitten on the butt or anywhere else for that matter. See how my mind wanders, topic to topic to topic? Even in silence, my thoughts are never quiet. And in the absence of sound, thought rules supreme. And silence? Silence can be quite the gremlin, chipping away at the most resolute soul, the strongest walls, at the very ground on which one stands, feeding those doubts and what ifs, and giving weight to the heaviest of thoughts. But silence is merely the absence of sound. It is not the absence of love or compassion. It is not the lack of caring. And truly out there somewhere is all the compassion a soul could ever crave, all the love a heart could ever need. I can never promise forever, for forever is far longer than many realize. Time is that bank balance we can never be sure how much is left. And when we do, it's never for a good reason. You know? When I really think about it, forever is something I could never want, especially without the people I love. Really it only takes a few decades to make a soul feel old. The best I can do is "For as long as I'm here" or "For as long as I can". Promises are like old style checks. Their value greatly depends on the writer and whether they can back them up. I rarely write any or make any. Why? Because I want it to mean something when I do.
Okay, I admit I am lonely. I have never said so directly on social media. Or have I? You know? I can't really remember. In fairness, I have most likely alluded to it maybe somewhere. But it's not so simple, is it? Just what am I lonely for? There are many flavors of lonely. So just where in the Hell on this crazy Baskin-Robbins spectrum am I? Friendship, Romance, Family long gone or might as well be? As I have said, Marsha and I were each other's crisis hotline. She's talked me down from anxiety, and cheered me up when I just felt like crying, and I did the same for her. When that phone rang, nothing was more important to me than my sister. Well, she's now somewhere in the multiverse where I can't call her. I can only hope that wherever she is, she's happy and finally free. As for friendship, my extreme introversion makes me my own worst enemy. I have a tough time making friends and an even tougher time maintaining relationships. As for anything more, it's been 14 years since my marriage imploded. I had one more relationship to speak of beyond that, but it lacked a truly mutual emotional connection. Unrequited love hurts. Especially when other feelings were indeed mutual and returned very well. And that's all I will say about that. She and my ex-wife are the only two people that things got that far with. Beyond that, I am fairly certain I'll die alone, not withstanding one hell of a miracle. If I have such a tough time making friends, then a relationship is virtually impossible. And that's not even considering everything. And there's a whole lot of everything. Things are complicated and so am I. This painful shyness is a hell all its own. Do you know what I dream of most of all? To fall asleep held in the arms of someone who truly loves me. The rest is awesome too, but that's what I miss the most, being warm against the cold and lulled to sleep by a heartbeat. I'd give just about everything I own. Hell, in some cases, I'd give my life. What is life worth anyway without that? Oh well, at least there will certainly come a day when the arms of oblivion will embrace me forever and never ever let me go. It's not every day, but there are times I long for that day. A few decades is all it takes, all it takes, all it takes for a soul to feel old. I am tired beyond belief. I need to rest, some way, somehow... A few hours or for an eternity. At this juncture, I am beginning not to care anymore. Talking to a stranger can never change this. I blame no gods, no humans, neither anyone nor anything in this universe but myself. I just wasn't made for all of this. I was very clearly made for something else, somewhere else. I need rest. Maybe I can come back and try again. But right now I need that restful darkness. It's like gravity, a singularity, an undertow, a magnet, the song of the pied piper. I feel it calling my true name, summoning my true self, come to me and rest with me, embrace for eternity, never never ever let me go. Join the totality and you will never be lonely again.
Please understand me, for these are only feelings, the very roller-coaster this old heart has been on. These are my waking thoughts and there are dreams, too. When I speak of heavy thoughts, herein you can find the weight. I'm still here, still trying, but these are my thoughts and those are my dreams. The struggle is quite real within and without, and sleep is the only escape I can afford. And, sleep is wonderful indeed. It takes me to so many places. My dreams are strange but rarely unpleasant. I wander maze after maze after maze. Sometimes I see the people that I love. Sometimes I actually get to be my true self. Time is really really weird there. Maybe it just doesn't exist. A couple of my dreams seemed like time travel to the past. And I remember this one crazy dream that was actually about time travel. It was this weird thing about this Greek goddess of time. Not sure if there really is such a goddess in Greek mythology, but in my dream there certainly was. She looked similar to Athena in any case. Well, anyway she could be summoned by merely speaking her name. She would then appear and move you either forward or back in time. All I know is I ended up running from some very hungry dinosaurs. "Was it something I said?" Did I mention that she never appeared in human form, Always as a living marble statue? Calling Doctor Freud. You figure it out, Doc. I have crazy dreams, and a seemingly boundless subconscious imagination. I write Hollywood worthy scripts in my sleep. I have long known myself to be a very interesting case. In some universes I might even be a writer. Who knows? There might be somewhere in reality, space, or time where it actually happened or will happen, or happens to be happening right now. But I won't ponder too much further, as I don't wanna flip my mind inside out. As Riffraff once sang, it only takes a bit of a mind flip to fall into a time slip.
I am not sure if the Solstice is a time for wishes or not. But here are my wishes anyway. I wish of course to somehow be happy. I want to find some way to get beyond this grief, yet never leave my baby sister or my mother behind. I want to get past this in such a way that honors them, keeps them remembered, as they will always be loved by this old heart and me. I want 2023 to be the anti 2022. I want to gain rather than lose. To smile rather than cry. I want to first figure out then actually find whatever, whoever, however it takes to chase this loneliness away. I want to feel as though I have a life to truly live, not merely the pain that comes with being alive. I want out of this shadow, this shell, and into the sunshine. I want to feel its warmth caressing my shoulders and warming my heart. I want to feel like maybe I at least did a few things right in this lifetime and to finally see some fruit come from those dark lonely times. I need so much to feel human and loved, wanted. Not a walking dollar sign. Not a mere sounding board. I want to be wanted for who I am and not what I have. I want to feel like I've truly come home. I want to be reminded again and again how my baby sister is remembered in the hearts, minds, and memories of others. In that way, And also somewhere in the vast multiverse, may she live yet even now, happily, fulfilled, together again with those she loved so dear. And may I find a way to be okay for whatever time I must live in my world. May there be more smiles, genuine laughs, true happiness for us all. May 2023 truly be the anti 2022.
Love to all......
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