Sleepless On Degobah

Remember friends, They are free to treat you as badly as they want. Because believe it or not, there is no law against it. (When was the last time you heard of someone getting arrested for verbal abuse?) (Psychological bullying?) Believe me, they know how to power trip around the law. And power is their drug.But you are free to vote with your feet. Especially when there's better places to walk. And nobody's more important than your health. Physical.... And Mental. And despite any hierarchy THEY ARE NOT GOD. And no prison is worth the stability and security that it offers if you must trade your own dignity for such things. What I am saying is like a shoe factory. The shoes there were never made for anyone or anything specifically. But they're still going to fit quite perfectly on some. It can be a bit comforting to know I am far less a prisoner of circumstance than one might think. For example, If I wanted to take it to the house, I absolutely could. There is no rent here and there is no mortgage here. It's mine. Nobody's gonna boot me out. Now, I might be sitting in the dark. They could technically take my car, but that's about to change, too, because I'll have it payed off in about a year... Or less if I can arrange it. I am also not a man who can stand to sit idle for very long. (Drives me nutso!) So, I know, I'd be just fine. I have always been damn good at stretching a dollar (Have had to be) so believe me, no worries there. I am also an awesome asset anywhere I go, reliable, always present and on time, raised on that old school ethic, and can damn well rock and roll when rockin' and rollin' needs to be done. Never needed a thank you. Just simple acknowledgment. I'm not perfect, but I am far from worthless, ladies and gentlemen. And I know my value. Okay. Enough said about that. Scattered throughout the year, there are days when I can't help but reflect up on a lot of things, on people, special people who have influenced and shaped my life and myself. Time can be unforgiving, my friends. Make happy memories while you can. I am so glad the 4th went so well for the boys and I this year. We managed to make a happy July memory. Good thing too. There is a bad one coming up on two years in a few days. If my father were still here I would be asking his advice about several things. Between difficult July memories and certain people and companies ramping up the stress in my present day, my own mental health has been a struggle of late. I'm like Scotty on Star Trek, running to and fro in the engineering section of the good 'ol NCC-1701, preforming miracle after miracle, but they won't stop with the damn photon torpedoes. It's like I'm the only one who doesn't want the damn thing to explode. Maybe that's because it's my life we're talking about and not theirs. So I would be the most affected. Even with the silence of 3:00 am, that struggle is still with me. I have always had the hardest time breaking free and letting go, even in these quiet moments. Really, I should be sleeping right now. I have quite the busy day of errands fast approaching later this morning. I am hoping that by expressing myself in these words, maybe I can finally get to sleep soon. Because I really need to sleep soon. And this fatigue isn't simply from losing sleep from a terrible week. It's not just physical. It's mental. It's emotional. It's spiritual. If I were somebody else, I would give myself a pat on the back for holding things together so well. Good job! You're a credit to Starfleet, Scotty! Nobody of course can see this from the outside. They wouldn't know. They wouldn't care. And look... When your down to having exactly only one friend in this entire world. Do tell me how you would feel about it? I guess the upside is that I do still have family. I'm just hoping I can find some way to free my mind enough to enjoy this weekend and leave next week's struggles for next week. Maybe it is time for some soul searching and rethinking. Friends, there has to be a better way. As I have said, I am no Albert Einstein, but I'm not the captain of the USS Shortbus either. A long time ago people used to think I was super smart because the answers just seemed to come to me. Now it seems I have lost that gift. Maybe because the answers I seek today have never been written in a textbook. I need so much to sleep, to recharge. Damn, I feel empty. Lovers recharge each other, but of course I have none. It is amazing what I can do with no one supporting me in that way. But it also begs the question of how much more I could do if I did. I guess I'll never know, will I? Such is the way of the force. Lonely here on Degobah am I. I swear the only people who leave me alone are the ones I wish would never leave me at all. Mostly through no choice of their own, but damn it. Isn't that the irony of life? I often wish I were somewhere else, maybe someone else. I feel like a prisoner in my own mortal coil. If only the struggle felt like something worthwhile, if only, if only, if only, how have I come to hate those words. A long time ago, I might have wished for endless nights by reason of romance. These days I wish for endless nights by reason of sleep. When there's nothing to wake up for and no one to wake up with. Then why wake up at all? The eternal question begging eternity, I guess. Ignorance may be bliss, but sleep is even more blissful. Were it not for weird dreams. Sometimes the dream is a wish to be something more than this creature, this biological organism. Doesn't it feel like maybe you could be something more? Despite my tendency since maybe the midpoint of my life to prefer and appreciate having my full senses about me, I wonder if maybe that's why people get into heavy drinking or hard drugs, because they want to feel that they're something more. Are they just trying to escape this cage of imperfect flesh that we're all imprisoned in? It does no real good. All you do is wake up feeling all too mortal, all too imperfect, all too human. An escape that makes you feel worse in the end is really no escape at all. The human condition is not an easy thing to live with, but we never get a choice, really? And sometimes it really sucks to be human. Amazon disappointed me. I went to order German chocolate for a certain angel whose birthday is on the thirteenth, only to see a delivery date of the fourteenth. Not cool... So I went on with getting her card which will be here on the 9th, but canceled on the chocolate. I think. It's nothing elaborate. It's just a way of saying 'I love you' without actually saying it. Because we both know it changes nothing. Still, right, wrong, impossible, it is the way I feel. So, yeah, a little expression eases the emptiness minutely. I don't expect her to just swoon and fall into my arms.... Though that's a nice daydream, isn't it? It's quite ironic isn't it? To have given up completely on romance. (except for one particular person particularly out of reach). Could is be unconsciously on purpose? After enough years and enough experience, one eventually learns the value of peace, that very absence of drama. It's not that I see myself as unworthy of (dare I say it?) romance. I am no Albert Einstein, but I'm no Forest Gump. I am not Mister Elon Fabio Chad, but I have a house, a steady job, and mirrors don't freak me out. (Who's that good looking guy) (Oh that's me) Okay, I don't claim to capture the attention of an entire room, but they don't freak out and run away either. I'm a fairly decent looking dude who pays his own bills. I have a lot to offer. Just not my peace or sanity (Such that it is). It may have been a movie line, but Robin Williams was right. Being alone is not as bad as being with someone who makes you feel that way. Been there. Done that. The T-shirt sucks. But, despite all I just said, There is exactly one, only one woman on this entire planet I would marry in a heartbeat, if only that was what she wanted too. She is in love for a hopeless cause. So am I. Unfortunately, they are not the same hopeless causes. Could this be my own self sabotage? So, either I have deliberately caught feelings for someone out of reach, or maybe my standards are too high. Maybe, she's just that special. If it's not this particular woman, then I'm not interested. I absolutely have no clue of why or what it is about her that turns all of my figurative walls and fortifications into silly putty she could walk right through. I'm like that doctor at that Paris hospital. She stole my heart. And I kinda need it back. My dearest angel, my Cherie Amour, my not so secret crush, I fear losing what I never had in the first place.  I know that some of the things we cling to may seem silly to others, but often what a lot of people simply can't understand is these are often are the threads holding our sanity together. Friends, it is a half waking daydream that has gotten me through a lot of difficult days. Yes I know that it's a self imposed delusion on my part, a Jedi Mind Trick to get me through my days. It's just friendship, but even a single candle can seem bright in an otherwise darkened room. And it often seems she's the only friend I have in this life anymore. I'll miss her like crazy when that inevitable day comes when either she or I finally finds something better than that hellscape we're both trapped in. At least what was and is real is her friendship and her presence, and her mere presence can brighten any day. I treasure our friendship, even if it's all I'll ever have despite wanting so much more. Very few can bring light to such a dark and dreary place. We're pretty damned good at shaping our own reality, aren't we? I've heard a lot about bubbles, mainly political, but it's not always about politics, is it? At least not exclusively. Double double toil in trouble.. Am I in a bubble? Let's see, I know I at least live in a self imposed temporal bubble. My music, movies, and computer games are mainly from the previous century. In my world, not much exists beyond the year 2000. And a quick check of the calendar says that was 26 years ago. So yeah, bubble. But I like it better here. Like I said, the world made more sense when they only censored curse words. Now they keep the curse words and censor key words instead. How ridiculous is that? I still have all my hobbies, computer stuff and other stuff. I have those simple moments that lift my spirit sometimes. And I still have the beautiful Wilhelmina looking back at me from my computer screen, on par with Venus herself. She's long gone, longer than I've been alive, and would be the same age as my mother. But forever beautiful from that one moment in 1971. I guess if you're going to dream the impossible, then dream the truly impossible. Unless of course Doc Brown shows up with his DeLorean. Alright, Doc, we need to make a road trip on the circuits of time. Wait... The Circuits of time are from Bill and Ted. Okay, Doc, you have Clara. Bill and Ted, you've got the princesses. Now, help me rescue a goddess and win her love. Then we can all go out on a quadruple date and discuss who (if any) should be jealous of who? Doc, you have won the heart of a pretty 19th century teacher. Bill? Ted? you both have won the love of a beautiful 12th century princess. And.... You should all be jealous of me, for I stand in the brightness as a willing servant of the Goddess Of Love. Which would only be slightly less impossible than my earthly angel ever loving me back. And the moral of this little story is that if you're going to dream, you might as well dream big. And that sadly, most of us will be dreaming forever, or at least until we sleep. Clean cup move down.  "They say that waking up is hard to do, now I know, know that it's true. Don't say that this is the end. Instead of waking up I wish that I was konking out again " Zom A or Zom B. A is for Alpha. Z is for Zombie. B is for BRRAINZ! Ah, but how are you this morning? Me, I'll let you know once I've fully booted up. I feel like XP after visiting a few shady websites. It's like the sun has gone down, but Dracula needs a few more hours sleep before opening that creeky coffin. "Good evening, ah ah ah!"  A world where absolutely everything has to be perfect can never be anything but disappointing... With apologies to all the robots and lizard men I may have overlooked, we're all human. Believe me, if I were a god, there would be some who would know it and not in the best way. Nope... Not a god. Just a man trying to do the best that I can. Good points, flaws, quirks and quarks and Captain Kirks. A package deal. But not as bad as cable TV.

 

 A Frog Story

Ribbit-Ribbit, Frog sad. Frog feel like crying. Frog wish to be a prince and live in a castle. Frog wish to sleep on soft feather beds and drink the finest wine. Frog's life sucks.

I, Prince of Dreamland, have such melancholy in my heart. I wish I were a frog. I could blissfully hop from pad to pad all day and never worry about the King's wars. Even a Prince's life can suck sometimes.

The lovely princess's beautiful reflection in the clear pond was interrupted by ripples from a single tear. "If only I were a bird, then I could fly away from this foreboding castle and be free. As a prisoner of this place, my life sucks." 

Watching from a nearby tree, a robin said in song, oh how I wish I were a beautiful princess.

Watching them all, the placer of souls just shook his head. "What am I doing wrong?" 

And.... watching him, a voice from on high said, "Nothing. They're all like that, no matter where you put them."

Ribbit-Ribbit The End