Seventeen Years

Seventeen Years

It has been seventeen years, but it could have happened yesterday. It returns in  the form of nightmares. It remains in the form of scars. Its repercussions echo  throughout even my present day. It was a day that shook me. It was a day that  changed me. There were times I even feared it would kill me. It certainly didn't  make me stronger. It merely gave me no choice but to become stronger. It was  either this or give up and die. Deep beneath my pain was an almost superhuman  resolve from a place I still have no idea where from. But as the sun set on that  day, I truly believed all was lost. I truly believed everything worth living for  was gone, never to return. I have changed significantly over these years. So  have my feelings. Though I guess some feelings cut across my entire existence.  The love is gone, long gone. But the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger still  come back in full intensity if I allow myself to dwell on that memory. So, I  make a diligent effort not to think on those times for too long. I had spent  many years second-guessing myself, asking what I did wrong, asking what I had  done to deserve such callous treatment. Did I not sacrifice? Did I not stay by  her side even when things got difficult? Did I not tread carefully and  figuratively jump through hoops of fire just to keep the peace? Did I not do my  best to play down my sheer embarrassment and humiliation from the tantrums she  would throw in the presence of my family and my co-workers? Did I not do my best  to placate her even by sacrificing my own happiness, dignity, needs, and peace?  Did I not spend day after day out in the blistering summer heat and out in the  brutal winter cold working to provide? Did I not invest nearly every dime I made  in providing as comfortable a life as I could? Was I perfect? No, most  definitely not. Still, I did my best to do right by her and these kids. I had  resigned myself to an unhappy life. I was used to taking the verbal abuse, of  being blamed for things I either had nothing to do with or had no control of. So  much so that I was blind to much of it. Friends would ask me all the time, "Are  you okay?". I remember catching hell because work made me stay late. I also  remember being so sick one day that I could hardly walk, waiting at the end of  the walk for her to pick me up, only to see her deliberately drive past me,  parking clear on the other side of the lot rather than picking me up right  there. I remember a co-worker (An elderly lady with a no-nonsense tell it to ya  straight attitude) who said in her gravelly voice, "That's no wife!" My reply  was a weak, "I know, I know" that nowadays fills me with shame, yet was a very  common response back then. I was suffocating, but I wasn't able to realize it at  the time. So strong was my need to be loved that I would have done most anything  just to keep the peace. What a small creature I had become! But what else was I  to do? I truly felt I had nowhere to go. The way the legal system is geared  here, I thought I would have found myself alone without even my children. For  all those reasons, I doubt that I would have ever left, no matter how miserable  things had become. I truly felt trapped by my past decisions, that there was no  way out but death. And I would have never left my children to fend for  themselves. So.... I couldn't leave. I couldn't die. This was the hell I had  resolved myself to remain in. The craziest reason was that despite everything, I  still loved her. I know, I know.... I can't even understand it now.... For there  is no love left and no love lost with present day Cosmic Wie. If this were truly  outer space, I'd send her out the airlock without a spacesuit and blame it on  the Romulans (those bastards). Even so I can't exactly call it hatred. It's more  like a really strong dislike, a sort of indifference, really. Maybe a tinge of  disgust and immense relief upon realizing that despite the callous cruelty of it  all, I had truly been set free. That was also when I discovered who truly loved  me, who was by my side, who fiercely stood up for me when I was unable to defend  myself, who was there to take me home, and who was there with listening ears and  a shoulder to cry on. I learned (was actually reminded of) who really loved  me.... And I also learned who was just faking, the liars, the bullshiters, and  the false friends. See, when you find yourself down, look around and see who is  there (and not kicking you). They are your loved ones. They are your REAL  friends. Never forget them. Always love them. Forever treasure them. Seventeen  years ago, I lost an illusion. It was the most painful thing I had gone through  so far in my life. But that was nothing compared to losing most of the ones who  were (figuratively and literally) by my side that night. See, I have learned a  lot about what real love is. For even in the midst of being kicked to the curb,  I was still loved. And their presence in my life was absolutely crucial to my  being here today. I just wish they all were still here, too. Compared to that,  the loss of a dirty rotten skank is a minor thing, actually a good thing. Dead  Snapper is hazardous for my health and definitely off my list. Like I said,  nobody ever steals trash, especially rotten seafood. They just haul it away.  It's not theft when the garbage man is doing us all a favor. Captain Nemo with  all hands voted to feed Dead Snapper to the freaking sharks. I disagree. Those  poor sharks would be sooooo sick to their poor stomach. That would be cruel to  those poor critters. Might I suggest swamp thing or the creature of the black  lagoon instead? Shark lives matter. But back then, I felt I was in a situation I  couldn't escape. Some things are much more difficult escaping than walking into.  And, aren't things always wonderful in the beginning? Here I was, a young  bachelor, all alone, when an old girlfriend shows up out of nowhere and  practically falls into my bed, offers constant attention, constant validation,  constantly telling me how wonderful I supposedly was... What would you have  done? I mistook all of this for actually being loved. In the beginning, she was  all sweetness. She didn't turn sour until she knew there was no turning back.  Things didn't get ugly until she knew she had me completely. That was when my  life began that downward spiral, when the yelling and the tantrums started, When  the lies and the vilification began, and the stories deliberately designed to  upset me. I was blind to so much, but I had quickly come to realize just how  badly I had flarked up and ruined my own life. Still, what choice did I have? I  had responsibilities I had to make good on. Despite the hellishness, I had vows  to keep that I took seriously, especially as the believer I was back then. God  was watching, right? Surely, a righteous Almighty God would have mercy on a soul  who did right despite the fact that it was suffocating him? Certainly, a loving  God would not let such a thing go on forever? Right? Right? Right? Surely,  sacrifice and hard work would eventually pay off, bringing forth a day when all  the suffering, all the struggles, all the pain will be validated and proven to  be worthwhile. Right? No. The day that came was December 31, 2008, seventeen  years ago today. Was I perfect? No. But did I deserve what happened? HELL NO!  Yet I spent many years wondering just what I had done to deserve such treatment.  The answer is absolutely nothing. She had simply realized that she had gleaned  everything out of me that she could have, that a man that worked all the time  couldn't be at her beck and call 24- 7. So, she discarded me. For many years,  this was the absolute worst day of my life.... Until Marsha and that hospital  room taught me just how much worse loss can be when it is someone who genuinely  loves you. Until Momma two months later, until Dad in another two years.... It  is far worse to lose people who really, truly love you. The ex? She was just a  liar who never loved me in the first place, only what she could exploit me for.  In 2022 and 2024, I lost real love. On that last day of 2008, I only lost a  liar, a user, an abuser who never loved me at all in the first place. It took me  years to realize. How long did I spend waiting for the day that even she might  see that this mistreatment wasn't right? The worst way we harm ourselves is  expecting a conscious where there is none. You can not shame a sociopath into  righting wrongs. It will never happen. They can mimic regret. They can mimic  remorse. But it's all a show. I was miserable for a very long time before that  day. Yet I thought I could never be happy again after that day. My thoughts were  dark, very dark. It took years of soul searching, self reflection, and healing  before I could understand what I understand today. I see many things all too  clearly that I was once blind to. And I keep waiting for the day that Karma,  Fate, God, or whatever finally gives her everything that she deserves. If  there's any justice in the world, it's about damn time. I have been waiting for  seventeen years. It is time I had a show to watch. It is time for all the little  chickens to come home to roost. It is time. Time has come today. But, for now, I  am about to time travel in a manner of speaking. See, I am not a new patient of  the good Doctor Blog-ieo. I have been writing since my teens. I wrote that  night, too. Now, a space cadet from the future is going to go visit his past  self, answer questions, provide advice, and offer comfort and perspective. Let  us see what seventeen years can do. 

RE: December 31, 2008

"I will never forget the 31st of December 2008. The day of my wreck in 2004 is  no longer the worst day of my life. Now and forever it will be the day I was  discarded like a used candy wrapper in a convenience store parking lot."

Dear Past Self, From your perspective, I am from seventeen years into a future  that is far brighter than you can see right now. I know things seem hopeless.  You can't understand how after all these years of work and sacrifice how one  could discard you and your feelings without the least bit of guilt and regret.  Your flaw is in expecting a conscious where there is none. I know you are  hurting. I know you didn't see this coming. I know your whole world has been  turned upside down. All I can say is that it's going to be okay. You can't be  expected to realize this, but this will be for the best. For far too long you  have been confined, imprisoned, expected to conform to the emotions of another,  To walk on eggshells to keep the peace. People from the outside have noticed,  even asked you how you  can live this way. It's going to take a long time before  you will be able to both see and understand what they mean. 

"I thought things were alright between us. So when I walked out of the store to   find her, the kids, and the car gone, I just stood there in shock. I don't know   how long I stood there, bewildered, wondering what in the world had just   happened. The sun began to go down, and still I stood there, Not knowing what to  do. This was the most cold, cruel and humiliating thing anybody has ever done to   me in my life. Finally, I did the only thing I could do. I went back into the   store, and got some change for the payphone, and after about 45 minutes of   trying, finally got up with my Dad to come get me. Then I found a corner to sit,  and wait, and hang my head and cry. Yes, I said cry. I am a grown man, but I  have feelings like any other human being, Plus, my children were gone too. So  yes, that's what I did until my Dad got there. But the worst was yet to come."

Dear Past Self, Your father is a perfect example of the people who truly love  you. I know you feel completely unloved right now, But that's not true. Your  mother and father, and your sisters will stand by you no matter what. They will  never abandon you. They will never discard you. Their love and support is going  to be crucial over the coming years. Within the span of two weeks, your children  will be back for  the duration, and they're going to need you to be strong.  Meanwhile, think of the people by your side who would never leave you for so  long as it remains their choice and within their power. Suffice to say, there  are still good days ahead that will come and go. But I can assure you, loss can  take many forms. Treasure, now and forever the people who love you  unconditionally. Oh, and that  particular payphone is still there even in 2025.  I walk past it going in and out of that store. These days? I don't think of her.  I think of Dad and how he rescued me. 

"Well, as you can see, it is almost 5 O'clock in the morning New Year's Day,  2009. I have not slept, and I probably will not sleep, until, maybe I pass out  from exhaustion.I just got back from the hospital, though some of this is my own   fault, as I had not been taking my blood pressure medicine. Normally, it doesn't   run that high, but with what happened today, I guess it did. It was 181/128 when   I got there. They put an IV and some other stuff in patches in me, and after  several hours, it came back down enough to go home. I am over at my parents  right now, because I cannot bear being alone right now".

Dear Past Self, TAKE YOUR DAMN BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICINE, DUMMY!!!

"I have done more praying for mercy from Heaven today, than I have done in a  long time. I can only hope I am being heard. I don't know what is going to   happen. I just hope my children will be alright. They did not deserve this. I  really don't feel I deserve it either, But I know they didn't for certain."

Dear Past Self, Yeah, you could say this was one of the many events of my life  that made me rethink certain things. 

"Well, It's now after six in the morning. I tried to sleep, but as expected, I  cannot. I never thought in a million years that I would have to go through  something like this. What am I to do? How do I get my kids back home where they  should be? Will I get my car back, along with most of my clothes, and jacket,  which are in the trunk? Should I be talking to a lawyer? How can I be sure my  kids are safe? What do I do about my job?"

Dear Past Self, All these things will work out. Yes you'll be forced to quit  your job and take a crappy job. But in less than a year, you will find a much  better one. That will lead to the most awesome job ever! (Geesh I miss that one)  And yeah, lawyer up and spend the best $2500 of your life. It will certainly be  worth it. And like I said, the kids, age 5, 7, and 9 will be back. And when they  return, You'll have a lot of work to do, a lot of things to learn, but you're  all going to be okay.

"I don't think she will ever truly realize what she has done to me" 

Dear Past Self, Oh, she knows. And she has always known. You don't yet get the  concept that some people have no conscious. You don't even realize the situation  you have been  living in, or that the way you have been treated over the years  is not normal, not healthy. You don't even realize how she's vilified you behind  your back, all while draining you of your resources and sanity, and when she  felt like  she's gotten out of you all she could, you found yourself here. You  do not begin to understand the figurative cage you've been living in. I know you  can't understand this, but you have just been given the biggest favor in your  life. You are now free!

"Something must have happened because she now regrets what she did."

Dear Past Self, What did I just say about not believing bullshit? You are not a  violin. Don't be played like one.

"I guess it is because I will always love her in some way"

Dear Past Self, NOPE! Trust me, you won't. 

"When the bond of trust has been broken, then you have nothing."

Dear Past Self, Absolutely Correct! We actually agree on that one. 

"Now my life has been destroyed. It will never be worth living again."

Dear Past Self, BULLSHIT! I am so much happier than I ever was back then. Life  is so much more beautiful when you don't have to dread coming home from work. As  a Robin Williams character once said, Being alone is not the worst thing. Being  around  people who make you feel alone ABSOLUTELY IS.

"I don't know how I'm going to survive."

Dear Past Self, I know exactly how: By doing your best every day, by being  surrounded by the people who love you, and having the extreme wish to give these  kids as normal a childhood as possible. You, my former self are going to thrive,  not merely survive.  You're gonna make it! You've got this!