For Want Of A Note

Hello, Universe. 

How are things going? As for me, I'm waiting I guess. For what, I really don't know anymore. Sometimes I think the only reason I keep hanging on is that I am still writing the note. I can't go anywhere if I haven't finished the note, can I? Ah, but don't be so concerned. I am committed to the note and to the note only. I have no commitment to darker things, and hopefully not to the nuthouse either. It's just that whenever I can't seem to find any other purpose or reason, I tell myself that I still have a note to write, that I can't leave things unfinished. And what a note it is, two megabytes and counting. So yeah, I'm writing and I'm waiting, seemingly in vain, or so it goes for love, belonging, true meaning and a thousand other things. Maybe I am waiting for what is inevitable. Death for example is inevitable, and only disappoints me when taking others, most often the wrong others, from my life... The people who love me are becoming a rarity, not because they stopped. Only because they're no longer here, their beautiful light extinguished, one by one by one. Life isn't fair, but death is even more unfair. And while it might be a bit selfish for me to say that it was not only unfair to them, but unfair to me as well. That I resent that thief that stole them from me. Because I did not want to lose them. I need them here. And here and now, I stand alone. Here I stand lonely. Here I give long speeches to an empty room that nobody wants to hear. Here is this heart, broken and injured, so needing the healing power that only love could bring. See how it seeks belonging. See how it needs to be held. See how it acts before thinking, how it leaps before looking, seeing that one beautiful soul and falling, falling, falling. What has become of me? What in Heaven's name am I doing? My intellectual mind is totally appalled at my reckless heart. Is it wisdom or is it fatalism? I wonder. Pick a day and ask me. And the answer might be different each time. It depends on whether heart or mind happen to be driving this bus at the moment. Maybe there are some things I want but really don't need in my life. Go figure. Go fish. In a world too crowded and too empty at the same time, I have to wonder as I wander: Is it irony or is it the bitterness of futility? It might be that for everything I wish for, there's something I'm better off without. Maybe I should be grateful for all these words in an empty room. They might well be my only true sense of self. All I know is if I had wanted to be a damn clown, I would have joined the circus. Folks, I ain't no joke. We had damn well better be here for more than just the struggle. Otherwise I don't really see the point. There had damn well be more to this than to pay bills and die. Getting old should be more than a punishment for simply living too long. The point of winning battles should be to win the peace, not to have to fight another one. If no other wish of mine is to ever be granted, I would hope for peace at the very least. In the end, everything else is secondary, at least to me. I will never understand why we reserve resting in peace for the grave only. We will have all eternity to be dead, but only one chance to truly live. And I want to live. Not to just survive, not to simply exist, but to live, actually live. Damn, I am so tired in all ways a soul can be. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. I need a reason, ladies and gentlemen. I need a reason. Death has taken away so many of my dearest loved ones, my precious friends. What reason do I have left to be afraid? Maybe I want to challenge the grim reaper to a fistfight. Let's see if he's like one of them Rock Em Sock Em robots. Let me at him like Mr. T vs Rocky at the first part of Rocky III and like Rocky Vs Mr T in the last part of that movie. I pity the fool. This for my parents and for my baby sister, for all dear friends and loved ones he stole from me too soon. Let me at him. I'll make Iron Mike proud. Tyson would be cheering me on with that crooked grin. "Get him, Wie! Knock that thuckah out!" I can no longer be afraid when he's already hit me where it hurts. C'mon, let's go! I'll kick the reaper's ass all over Purgatory, all over Limbo, and all the way to the gates of hell. Let me at him. If you think this is the craziest thing I have ever said, you could look back and find crazier, or look at my offline archive and see totally insane. Wounded souls needing to be loved have a way of speaking differently. I could go back and edit it all, but there is no point. Maybe there would even be souls who would understand. Don't belittle anyone for crying if you can't feel their pain. You can never know how you might sound if you yourself were where they are now. There are levels, you know. Pain can be anything from a subtle annoyance to an unbearable agony. You can never know if you can never feel. Okay, Subject change. Clean cup move down. There was this local news article about this poor girl who died in jail. They say it was due to complications from drug use. All I know is that a precious young lady is dead before her time. Look, I'm not throwing around accusations, but maybe they should have checked her into the hospital first? She was only 21, so beautiful, so young, so gone from this world. I might even understand this desire to escape reality. It is unfortunate but true that reality often sucks. But what these kids need to understand is that a lot of this stuff out there is poison, pure poison. It was accidental S word on her part, and deliberate murder on the dealer's part. As Steppenwolf sang, God Damn The Pusher. What a waste of a young life! Guard your lives, young ones. Life may be difficult sometimes, but it is also beautiful and precious. And you never know what the future holds. It is very true that times change and the world changes. It may be so cliche to say, but tomorrow really is another day. Happiness might dawn with that new day. All your hopes, dreams, and desires could be waiting for you today. Don't be careless with your life before you actually get to live, truly live... And love. How do you tell someone you love them without saying the words? There are ways. The biggest way is to let them see how their happiness makes you happy. It is also a good indicator to yourself that you love them if you were wondering. Happiness always looks good on the one I love. When was I last in love? Was it even real. Either way, it has been a very long time. Long ago. It has been so long, ages. It seems like an eternity even. And it turned out in the end of back then to have never been real at all. Just a character well played, an act in perfect prime. Down came the illusion that I believed was my world. Not a quiet fading but a deafening crash that shook me to my core. The line between reality and misplaced perception is a lot fuzzier than one might think. At first I really believed I had lost something real. But how could I have lost anything but an illusion that was never real in the first place? Therefore, not only can't I remember what such bliss was like, I can't even be sure I ever knew at all. I guess sometimes perception is everything, not only in what you see but how you see.... And through which lens. I don't believe love is totally blind. It just hallucinates sometimes. It is, after all, one hell of a drug. It can totally make you do some dumb things. Love is not blind. Love is stoned. Next? Clean cup? Move down? Have you seen it? That weird and creepy AI that seems to be everywhere? How is it creepy? I don't know, but it just is. If this were 500 years ago and I were of the extremely Puritan type, I'd call it the devil's work. But it's 2025, and I call it weird and creepy. Besides, surely the Prince of Darkness would be better at art than this. If not, then all those heavy metal album covers were a big bad lie. Oh, well. Never mind. I just read an article about an Australian lady convicted for poisoning several of her ex-in-laws with deadly mushrooms. Ex hubby was invited, too, but he got smart and backed out. In hindsight, I bet he wishes he had been wise enough to warn the others. So many questions... I'm not sure I'd eat the cooking of anybody who obviously hates me. I'd rather fake a tummy ache than get a real one. These mushrooms are not the magical ones recommended by Doctor Leary. Unlike with those, the trip is infamously one-way. Oh well, there's another one for my Do Not Date list. Anyway, Hello there! General Kenobi! Nope, merely the great Cosmic Wie, known in some worlds as Professor Marvel. Ah, but It doesn't take a psychic or a mystic. [Gazes into crystal ball] I know you've been struggling with something in your life. How do I know oh oh oh oh? God didn't tell me in a dream. I didn't read your thoughts. How do I know you're struggling? Because we all are. If you still breathe, if your heart beats, you're struggling with something. I guess the difference is not the struggle, but whether we do so alone. And I? Just a lonely zombie in love. Let me speak like the poets of old, of unrequited love. What did fate do to me, to bring into my life a soul I can not help but love? I can't understand why I feel this way. I just love her. I know the universe is neither cruel nor kind. It's just there. Still, it is a bit of a cruel irony sometimes...... To show me possibilities.... The way things could be... I almost wish I never saw. I almost wish I never knew. Though that touch of happiness embedded so deeply within the sorrow is something I could never give up and will always keep close to my heart. See, I have learned that I may as well change the color of the sky as to change the way I feel. The universe is just here, a fact, a reality. So am I. So are my feelings. This I know. Despite the imperfections we all have, some souls are perfect in my eyes just the way they are. I love my special friend. It has been years, and I still feel the same way. It changes nothing. It helps nothing. It just is. Rod The Bod was right. Some guys do have all the luck. There is a dude who's the luckiest man on Earth but is too blind and too stupid to see it. Maybe I wouldn't be so damn jealous if he treated her right, the way I would if I only had the chance. So goes the fate of mice and men. What the hell happened to me? How could I have fallen so far and so fast for such an improbable dream? It's not the first time I've instantly had a strong opinion about someone I've just met. (It's been two years and my feelings haven't changed) Though the rest were negative and turned out later to be correct. But, this was the first time I have thought straight up that I really really really like this person. Ah that inner argument, "I love her!" "Don't be silly" Well, it has been years, and my feelings have not faded but strengthened. I don't think plain infatuation would have lasted this long. So I admit here what I can't elsewhere: I love her. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference, but I absolutely adore her. And that is the cruelty of the universe because I know she deserves so much better, and I wish I could be the one to make it better. A bit selfish, I know, but rare treasures like her are difficult to find. I know because I have spent a lifetime in a futile search for someone just like her. The universe is one hell of a joker, isn't it? To send into my life the only one I could love romantically, taken and only interested in friendship. Maybe this makes me the villain, but if I could steal her affection away, I would not hesitate. I would be that thief in the night without a single regret. Even without The Cosmic Wie Love Bandit, Lucky Man had still better tighten up because if I can't steal her wonderful love and devotion, somebody else will. Oh well, I'm not going on about this in an endless circle. Clean cup! Clean Cup! Moove down! Ruling the world sounds like too much work. All I want is my little corner, a special place where I can be myself. Oh, and one special someone to share it all with... Wait... Didn't I just clean cup? Didn't I just move down? Mad Watch! Mad watch! Yep. Two days slow. As it is, my feelings may be a reality, but they don't always reflect possibilities. I just have to accept that there are some I can never act on... Only in one circumstance. My heart and my home will always be open should there ever be a miracle that she'd choose it. I could never say no. Not to this one. I guess I can't be the only soul walking this earth with unresolved feelings. It's kind of a bummer. Okay! Enough! Clean cup damn it! Let's change this tired subject! Moving down for real. Reading that Mushroom Lady article reminded me to check up on some of those other true crime stories I have followed in the past. One of them has been locked up for about a decade. Her YouTube, Instagram, and blog page are all still up. Pretty but dangerous. Another lovely lady for the Do Not Date list, though life without parole kinda eliminates the possibility anyway. Hmmmm. Hey Google, what are the visitation policies in Texas? Ha! Just kidding! Does anybody else remember ALF? There's no way in Hades. If it wasn't for fear of being the next victim, it would be for respect due to the last one. That poor guy. Okay, moving right along. Did I really see a Tom "Reverse Mortgage" Selleck fan page? Mr. Mustache? My dad used to call him "Bird Legs." No, you're not getting my house, Tom. Didn't Magnum PI already have a nice house in Hawaii? Nope.. Not getting my home, Tom. This ain't my first rodeo, either. Is that what happened to poor Higgins? Oh my God, Magnum, what have you done this time?