A Dark Maze Of Heavy Thoughts

Friends, I have seen angels, and I've seen demons. Not the literal kind (that I know of) but enough of the figurative to feel I have seen just about as anything as a mortal soul possibly can. Please don't quote me on this, Dear Universe, For I have seen at least as much as I'd ever want to see, if still not everything. Either way, it's been quite enough, thank you. do not know the age of my soul like I know the age of this human being, but I am tired. I need healing, love, and I need peace. I want to know we're all going to be okay. Maybe that seems silly and childlike. Maybe indeed, for this feeling has been with me for decades, since I actually was one. I honestly don't know much except how I feel. My thoughts are full of the ghosts of memory. I'm a walking haunted house here. They're not mean. They're not scary. The only way they (inadvertently) hurt me is by being ghosts at all. And that was never their intention. It is not even them, but afterimages, really, ever in view for I can not let go, nor can I accept the empty space before me. I find myself like Jethro Tull, living in the past. It is the sweetest dream with the harshest wake up. I call now the future, for the presence of the present is often difficult to accept. I know what reality is. I just sometimes refuse to live in it. With imagination worthy of my childhood, I would like to believe that 1985 still exists somewhere in the cosmos, a deep dream of deep space, a slight bend in time away. Ah the mind, the place where good ideas originate. Oh, and also bad ideas, but let's not be negative, shall we? The great adventure. Yes, yes, I am on a great adventure indeed, but it's all in my head. It's all in my head, but hey! It's a great adventure. Who's with me? By Jove, I think we've got it! Look alive there, party of one! Cheerios and Post Toasties! Isn't reality boring? Isn't reality disappointing? Isn't it lonely? Does it not always fall short of that dream of peace, tranquility, love, and belonging? Ah, Wonderland, where have you gone? Where have you left me? There once was a dream where all the nonsense was actually fun, where all the madness brought genuine wholesome laughter. Not anymore. The fun and the laughter has up and disappeared like the Chesshire Cat. Ah, but the nonsense and madness remain. Sadly, not the light and silly type. It is darker than the haunted forest, and I'd turn back if I could. Like I said, nothing is ever only in your mind. If it's in your mind, then as for you, it's everywhere. There are two worlds we deal with, one within and one without. Each affects the other. The difference is that the people around you can only see one of those worlds, and not even the entirety of the one. Nobody knows you better than the human being in the mirror. Even self knowledge and awareness can be a struggle. So, we can't really blame others when they don't understand. They can't. I do have a fondness in my heart for those who try anyway. Try to show those people love when you can. It hurts to miss them. The silence at the end of the day speaks volumes. Were the wizard's words to the Tin Man correct? Is a heart more accurately judged not by how much we love but how much we are loved by others? I don't much know anything, but that seems a bit harsh. Ah, but not quite as harsh as Dorothy telling the Scarecrow, "I'll miss you most of all" in front of EVERYBODY ELSE. Geesh, young lady. Way to hurt the poor Lion and Tin Man's feelings. Even the wicked witch of the east and west would say daaaamn. "And she stole my shoes, too!" It's another day.. A hot day. AC is not a priority at my workplace. I used to work in surveying, which is an outdoor job. But at least back then, we had the luxury of getting rained out now and again. Not so in a textile plant... I'm roasting like a chicken. All I need now is those 11 herbs and spices, then I can report to the Colonel. Well, the day! Summer is here, and it's going to be a long one. No AC at work, none at home because 400 dollar electric bills aren't my cup o tea. Not on this pay. So, the only time I get AC is in my car. Ah, please hold out for another year. Usually, it quits working after I've owned a vehicle this long. I've still got more than two years of payments left, so hold on, baby, hold on. Please continue being the highlight of my day. Well, talking to a certain someone is the real highlight of my day. I know I'm getting absolutely nowhere. Still, their presence makes me happy. There are some folks I don't agree with, though I love them all the same. So, I have to tread carefully to give my honest opinion in a kind and tactful way. Ah, but it's not easy. I don't believe in psychic psychosis for I have my own delusions. Thank you. I am of the personal belief that talents of a psychic fall more in line with careful observation and a very good understanding of human nature. We're complicated creatures in many ways, ah, but in some.... We're quite simple. They're not reading minds. They're reading between the lines. And many are quite good at what they do. But yeah... Save your money for better things. If you must insist on spending your money, bring it to the all-knowing Cosmic Wie. Ooooooh! And I'll give you a reading far better than most. Your guy is a jerk, but I see a dashing fortune teller space cadet in your future. Major Wie to ground control, do you copy, over? In case you were wondering, I was talking about my special friend again. Sometimes, I wonder: Should I cosplay as Professor Marvel from The Wizard of Oz? Just let me put on my turban and gaze into my crystal ball. Yes, I see it clearly, my friend. Cosmic Wie is the one you want. Who is that? Why, I am Wie! Let me show you a wonderful future. Ah... Goodness. My daydreams do get elaborate sometimes. Although it must be stated that said daydreams totally suck at predicting the future. Bummer, dude! Clean Cup, move down! Damn it's hot! How hot is it? It's so hot that when a certain place hired the devil, he quit after a half day to go home and cool down. As he walked out the door, I heard him say, "Hell, ain't it?" Yep. It's going to be a long summer. It's going to be a long day, too. It's been a crazy couple of days and nothing quite brings out my grouchy side like being late to lunch because I just didn't have the time. I've gotta have my food, dude. The hectic pace distracts me from my heavy thoughts, but it has its own downside. Too much time to think, not enough time to think.... It's never the middle ground. Ah, but now that I am no longer monster hungry, maybe I can deal. Subject change? Clean cup move down? Last night, I made demos for the first three levels of "Duke It Out In DC." The first two went well, but I'm thinking about redoing the third. It took me way too long to find all the damn keys. Also, that tedious annoying switch puzzle in DC level two sucks. It's not as bad as the stupid platforming in Duke Caribbean level 5, but it's close. Bullshit like that, totally takes the fun out of gaming, in my humble opinion. If I wanted to be frustrated and agrievated, I would deal with the real world. Games should be fun. And that was no fun at all, just annoying. I could see puzzles like that for secrets maybe, but never for level progression. What the hell were the developers thinking? It's stupid! Okay, rant over, clean cup move down. My oldest starts a new job tomorrow. I hope it goes well for him. No job will ever be perfect, you know. I don't think they'd pay us if it were fun. It's a fact of like that we've all gotta do what we've gotta do. Choices, especially a wide array, are only for rich people. The rest of us have to get below and row the boat. It's life, man, just the way it is. It does not mean we have to like it. It does not mean we can't wish it were different. Ah, but we've all got to deal with it. Also, there is a quota. Every place has at least one jerkwad. Many places have more than one. We can't let that stop us from making a living. You gotta do what you've gotta do. Options are for the spoiled rich kids only. They are sadly beyond the reach of the rest of us. I didn't make the world or the rules. I've just got to deal with it like everyone else. It's just the way. And I don't like it any more than you do. It's kind of a depressing pep talk, isn't it? Yeah, it seems to be. I tend to deliver more truth than inspiration. I do my best to lead by example. I may not be Energizer, but I'm still going. Sometimes, I really have to wonder. I know I talk about this a lot, but the here and now just doesn't seem right to me, not right at all with so many gone. Yes, it's the circle of life. Yes, I was lucky to have my parents as long as I did, but could I have kept them a few years longer? As for losing Marsha when she was only 40, that was bullshit. The youngest is supposed to outlive the oldest. Not the other way around. That was not the circle of life. It was a terrible tragedy and an undeserved fate. Of all the souls I have ever met, she deserved a much longer, happier, and meaningful presence in this world. Fate is so damned arbitrary. It just grabs people at random, regardless of how much they are needed in this world, regardless of how much I still need them in my life. Yet, here I am at the wheel of the ship, no longer the first officer but captain. Yet I did not choose this. It is quite the weight on my shoulders and a burden upon my soul. Yet, who else is going to steer this damn thing? With every decision I make, with every direction I choose, I ask myself, What would my father do? In many matters, I have a good idea of what his choice would be. With others, I have to look into my own soul and just hope I'm doing the right thing. It's mostly been small things, but every now and then, it gets a bit heavy. There's nothing to do but stay the course and steer by that particular north star. In this, may we all find our way. Okay. Subject change. Clean cup move down. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my thoughts and therefore my writings here take on such heaviness. It's Doctor Blog-ieo, after all. I really have nobody I can talk to, at least not in the frank way I write. Diplomacy and politics aren't just for governments. We human beings engage in those sort of things all the time. It is the way we navigate an uncertain world. I prefer being a straight shooter. I prefer to be honest with my feelings. Sadly, they do not always fit a perfect image or a pretty picture. A heavy lesson that I wish I had grasped decades ago is that appearance and perception can be more important than reality. When one is perceived as not having it all together, opportunities disappear. There is truth in faking it until you make it. You've got to project confidence and certainty. It becomes true when you make it true. It's writing a big check and hoping you will have the funds gathered to keep it from bouncing all over the place. You've got to take that leap if you ever want to succeed. It's not enough to have the strength or intelligence to make it. You have to also believe you can. It sounds cliche as hell, but it's true. And that's why I can't really open up anywhere but here. Social media gets a censored version, but I share very little there. Such places in cyberland have gotten more and more disingenuous over the years, anyway. Honesty rarely makes the grade there. A crude but accurate observation is that most people on there are totally full of shit. They only show their fortunes, financial and relationship wise. Nice houses, nice cars, wonderful vacations, and falling in love with their 'best friend'. One never sees the ugliness behind the scenes. It's like we're all actors putting on one big show. And the show must go on. Rarely is everything so picture perfect. How often do we see original thoughts or genuine expression? Very rarely. And seems that keeping it real is no way to win friends or have any influence. So much there is recycled, regurgitated, copy-pasted, mindlessly repeated again and again. It's like a dog chasing its own tail. It just goes around in circles. I used to believe it would be this sort of utopia with people sharing their true feelings, exchanging ideas, a meeting of hearts and minds. Now, see the degree to which it has devolved. See the depths to which it has fallen. What the hell is this? I don't even recognize it anymore. It hurts the heart and boggles the mind to see such a wonderful opportunity for enrichment, this chance for enlightenment to be thrown away so stupidly. It's just one reason of many why the 2020s suck. It seems that everything went to shit when Hurricane Michael hit my area in 2018 and has only gotten worse. 2018 was the year of hurricanes, lawsuits, and broken bones. Late 2018 and beyond 2019, my Dad had to fight a long battle against cancer and almost as bad the results of the treatment and the surgery as well. I remember him asking me to promise I'd honor and back up any decisions / promises he made, which I did years later. He won the fight against cancer in the end, though by the time we got that good news, it hardly mattered. 2020 was the year of all that pandemic insanity. The censorship got so bad that you had to get around certain keywords to keep bots out of your social media posts. It was all out propaganda in my strong personal opinion. The strength of my opinion is the very premise of this blog, the very fact I'm writing letters to the universe instead of talking to my baby sister on the phone. But before that, 2021 saw my mother's health take a serious downturn. My sisters and I tried our absolute best, but in the end, not even our efforts, nor the help of the kids was enough to keep her out of a nursing home. Try, though we did. I was also going through some very stressful drama with a certain someone picking the worst time of all to show out. Maybe it was proper punishment for the crappy way I behaved towards my own parents as a teenager. It certainly showed me how they must have felt, though even I did not take it to such extremes. I won't go into detail, but basically, at that point, my life was hell. I thought I was at the lowest level, but it turns out the down elevator was waiting for me. 2022 marked the descent into the lowest levels of Hell I have ever been in my life. My baby sister followed all the rules and towed the government line when it came to all this pandemic insanity. She got all the vaccines, wore the masks, everything. Then along came the goddamn omicron. Vaccinated or not, everybody got that one, or at least everybody I knew, including myself. My father was hospitalized with it. It was the very day I picked him up from the hospital that my baby sister had gotten down really badly with it. My elderly father survived it. My baby sister did not. I can not express in words alone the impact and effect losing her has left on me. I threw one major fit when I went back to work. They were still pushing all that mask bullshit and masks did not save my sister. Vaccines did not save my sister. I don't give a damn about anybody's politics, but I can be just a bit touchy when someone brings that shit up. All that nonsense, yet Marsha is gone. I'm a nice guy, but if anybody were to try and force that on me again, they'd probably get clocked. Two months later, my mother's struggles ended as well. It was only March, and I had already lost my baby sister and my mother. As you would imagine, my father was going through an even worse time than me. He lost his daughter and his wife, a soul mate, his companion of 52 years. Then he fell and broke his leg in two places. He had a damn miserable father's day that year, in the hospital, could not even grieve in his own home. That had to be horrible for him. Slowly, he recovered, but he was still dealing with a lot of health issues, complications from his surgery, and his cancer treatments. I am really paranoid about letting any doctor operate on my guts. You're just never right again when they do that. My father was in a lot of pain. The doctors had him on so much pain medicine, I am surprised he even knew he was in this world. Some days, he was okay. Other days, not so much. Thanks to the help of my middle son, my father got to spend the rest of his life in his own home. I wish we could have done the same for Momma, but there were major differences in their conditions. I lost my father almost exactly 11 months ago. Both we two remaining children, and all of his grandchildren were there. My boys kept asking what they should do, and the only thing I could say was to show him love. Since then, I've been trying to understand, trying to sort things out in my head. Out of a family of five, only two remain: My sister and I. That's it. That's all. Even this being reality is hard to wrap my mind around. So yeah... This is my full explanation of exactly how and the way the 2020s so far is one crappy decade. I've seen good times, and I've seen bad times. But at least back then, I had them to talk to, to help me through. Not so much anymore. The 2020s objectively suck by any real measure. There are very few things worse than death. In some circumstances it may be a mercy from suffering and pain, but you can never convince me that it's not one of the most horrible things of all things that are guaranteed to happen to us all. A difficult fate, also, is to be the one left behind. To be a survivor does not always feel like a good thing. There is guilt sometimes, and the guilt remains. I know I should excuse the ignorance of my youth, but I can't quite bring myself to do so. One might think that being your own judge would mean to judge with leniency, but it's not so. In reality, being your own judge is to rule harshly and sentence oneself to a lifetime of punishment. Beware Judge Wie and his stern countenance, and that glare from the bench, contemptuous and disgusted at my request to please forgive me for I didn't know. You damn sure should have known. How blind can you be? Round and round in this dark maze we go, our words echoing, and the words change nothing. Instead of the pixelated monsters in Doom, these are the demons I can never kill. They live forever in these catacombs. I can never escape them. Yet the world goes on, and I have to go on. I have the present and future to attend to. I must do my best to do right by the here and the now, even with a monster or two chewing on my soul. Figuratively speaking, of course. I may be going down in madness, but I'm not quite that far gone. Not yet. Nobody ever sees this internal struggle. People like me tend to become great actors, playing the role of a lifetime, that all around awesome character known as Mr Ms I'll be fine. The main people I would confide in about things like this are gone. It's only the monsters, the maze, and me now, the darkness within that can never see the light of day. But I'd like to think there's light, too. Maybe this is meaningless being from my own point of view, but I'd like to believe I'm a good person, one with a heart, someone who truly aims to do the right thing. When I love, I do so with everything I've got. There are no half measures in that aspect. I work. I pull my own weight. I expect nothing to be given to me, yet I am most grateful for all I have been given. I try my best to see things from the point of view of others. Yes, I am one flawed mess of a human being, but I would like to think my heart is in the right place. Good intentions pave the road to Hell, don't they? If so, then I have built the devil his very own interstate. Pay special note to Exit 666. When they tell you to go to hell, remember to ask for directions. Just head south until you see the brimstone. Hell is more than a place. It can be a state of mind. You don't even have to die to go there. Sometimes, all you need to do is look around to see you've already arrived. Either way, it is not a very good place to be. They don't call it hell for nothing. It's not like the album covers, dude.