Good Morning Purgatory

Hello, there? General Kenobi! Not quite. Here is another blog saber to add to your collection. Cough cough. Again, I have to say that these long ramblings are from my point of view, nothing but an emotional grounding rod. I say a lot of heavy things here just to get them out of my mind. Over the course of this seemingly long (and seemingly short) life of mine, I have been collecting, like a doctor's waiting room, many issues, some new, and some old, piling up on the end tables. These issues are not of Newsweek, Woman's World, or Golf Digest, but of the mental and the emotional kind. In my forward dealings with the world, and in my personal dealings with loved ones, I think I present quite the projection of normality. It's been quite a role and quite a show, and the show must go on. The truth is that I am one hell of a mess. Grief, guilt, past trauma, depression, anxiety, regrets are all among this pot luck stew of a soul. It's quite an interesting flavor. I would truly go down in madness if I could not express my secret heart and these tortured thoughts. These feelings will not go away by being ignored or completely suppressed. So, I let all the arcing and sparking go to my ground wire. This is my ground wire. And with that said, welcome to the latest edition of Good Morning Purgatory, the number one morning show in the galactic universe of the great Cosmic Wie. Let me first wish everyone a super sunny morning especially to all my fellow souls here in the lost realm. It's not quite hell. Here, there's less torture, so we can all clearly think of all the messed up ways we flarked things up. Sadly, this limbo is not the cool Limbo like in down in Jamaica. There is no going under a bar that's already coming down hard on our poor backsides. This is not lounging under the setting sun at Montego Bay. We don't even have Bob Marley reassuring us that everything's gonna be alright. It's just no good, mon. And really, I only have myself to blame. Is there such a thing as dignified humility? You know, like knowing you're sometimes wrong, but also knowing that nobody is absolutely right all the time. Then there is knowing that arguments are generally a waste of time, whether you are right or wrong. There are not many out there care to lose, no matter the case. I state my case, but I don't argue beyond that. I think most human beings, no matter how big and bad an image we project to the world, need to feel safe and loved. The difference is that some of us don't seem to realize others need this, too. It's not a matter of weakness. More like augmenting each other's strength. Our game face may resemble an aggressive hockey player, but some of us are just teddy bears in disguise. Me, I'm more like Yogi. No pick-a-nick-baskets for me today, a voo-va-va-voo. Then again, what the hell do I know? Nothing, Herr Komendant, nothing! Sometimes, I feel a thousand times removed from everything and everyone. This postmodern day isolation sucks. The technology I used to love is partly to blame. It's not that I have ever been so wired in as a lot of people out there. I have figured out that the Borg from Star Trek are nothing more than these particular humans from the future with the latest iPhone, complete with eyepiece, prosthetic arm, and a wifi connection from the internet of things directly to the brain. Resistance is futile. You will all become one with the Borg. "I am Locutus Of Borg. I am also Le Cutest of Borg!" [wink-wink]. The worst part is there's nothing out there, really. It's all an illusion, a total facade these days. There used to be so many cool places to go, limited only by what you could think up to look up. Not anymore. Now it's all a plain Jane landscape with no real character at all. Remember that wasteland full of evil robots and a few scattered humans just trying to survive? No, it's not Los Angeles in 2029 from the terminator movies, but the internet in real life 2025. Welcome to the machine. It's the new world order, of the robots, by the robots, and for the robots. And not even of those cool Cylons from 1970s Battlestar Galactica. At least they'd make cool overlords of Earth with their oscillating red lights and reflective metallic bodies. No, modern-day robots are quite stupid. Especially when they fake being human. Not to give away how damn old I'm getting, but I am old enough to well remember the 1990s. Once upon a time, all was a great adventure. Once it seemed it held infinite possibilities... Once... An infinity ago. Somehow, everything changed right under our keyboards. It used to be a wondrous universe of infinity. Now, it's nothing more than a singularity. It's like a fast spinning super massive black hole. The pull of gravity from beyond the event horizon is so strong that it takes a waking mind to resist. I am not immune myself. It's a Venus Flytrap, a Pitcher Plant for humans... If we were moths, it would be a flame. And it is far more dangerous than most of us realize. And, friend, you'd be so much happier without it. The vortex is so misleading. The corporations who built it wish to keep you scrolling, to make that screen the singular focus in your life. It's just how real psychologists designed slot machines and casinos. Casinos drain your money, while the social media vortex drains your sanity. It traps you by making you think you need it. Modern humans have been around for tens of thousands of years. Maybe more than a hundred thousand. Google it. It seems we humans for a very long time have gotten by just fine without that screen. Modern-day people can, too, if they really try. I wish companies and governments would realize that not everybody has (or wants to have) a smartphone up their ass. The screen is a trap. How do you feel after spending your hours there? I don't know about you, but the whole apparatus makes me feel unwanted, unloved, and that absolutely nobody on Earth cares. That is at least a partial lie, I know because there are several people still around who do care. It's an illusion, and it is designed to drain the very life from your soul. A happy person is not very profitable. See, as you look for absolution, as you seek validation, all you will find are ads for products to make you like a more attractive and lovable person. Real human connections can rarely be found. I think the algorithm actually interferes with it. I do have a few friends there, but it is hard to find their posts amongst all the bullshit. They're being deliberately obscured. That is what I think. It is just unhealthy. They are literally causing harm. I guess that's why I have more and more gone the route of the simple blog. I have no expectations of a following here. In fact, I'm counting on it in a lot of ways. Though I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world if it somehow happened. If I haven't explained myself in all these words, I guess I never will. We all cope in our own ways. This is my way. It beats drinking, smoking, gambling, dope, and about a hundred other things. Still, it doesn't exactly sound pretty sometimes. Just know that I express my darker thoughts here to be sunnier out in the world. No, but it's not pretty, not pretty at all. Here, you see what I hide elsewhere. Here, my true being dwells. Depression and anxiety are not exactly the prettiest colors to paint with. Still, have hope, my friend. A bit of heart and a bit of soul can shine through anyway. Now, as to the subject of the social media vortex. We all need to repeat the mantra. Nothing is out there. Nothing is out there. It's not a falsehood, not anymore. I might still find a few cool Doom levels, maybe some fanfictions and other forms of art. Information about most anything and most everything can also be found, though multiple sources are a good idea. Besides that, however, there's nothing to be found. There is no comfort, no absolution, no validation, no meaning, purpose, love, belonging, to be found online. These things can only be found in two places, in the real world and from within. The internet holds many answers, but not THOSE answers. They're out there, but in the real world, not in cyberspace. You would have a much better chance of encountering the Cyberdemon in cyberspace instead. ROO! A little Doom Reference here. Remember to dodge the rockets and use the BFG 9000. Man, I wish it would have rained like this during the workweek instead of all weekend. This being stuck indoors and not accomplishing hardly anything has really given me the blues. Meanwhile, I got tired of that crappy mower I bought just two months ago that never exactly worked right and got another one. Screwed over by the warranty people. I guess I should have gotten that extended plan when I bought it at Lowes. Splurged for a new one because I finally got tired of fighting it. Just no chance to use it. It's hard to be bright and sunny on the inside when it's so dark and gloomy on the outside. I know we needed this rain, but damn. Why couldn't it have rained like this when I'm stuck inside factory walls anyway? Oh well.... And, of course, it was Mother's Day too. I miss that lady. Despite how I used to gripe about how crazy she drove me, she was a good mother, and no doubt the first love of my life. I have been told I would totally freak out as a toddler when she left my sight. No doubt I never gave her a moment's peace back then. Firstborn and clingy as hell, as some children are. Now, she's left my sight for the rest of my life. I'm not that clingy toddler anymore, but I'd still like to see my mother, especially on days when one is supposed to think of their mothers. Now, she's gone. She's been gone for more than three years now, two months after I lost Marsha. Only, I can't exactly freak out now. At least, not openly. At least nowhere except for in this blog. They're gone. Momma, Dad, Marsha. I still can't understand this messed up order of things! Like with so many things, some days are harder than others. I know there are many people in the same boat as me, Mother's Day without their mother, Father's Day without their father, Birthday's, death day's, yadda yadda. Valentine's Day for the perpetually single (which I mind the least of all the others) Romance is overrated. I do better alone. Or at least that's how I feel today. The person I have alluded to having feelings for is still around, but it's just as pointless as before. And I would just rather be alone than with anybody else. Only one soul has those particular keys to my heart. No one else would ever do. If not her, then nothing. Emotions and mentality can be quite the quicksand if there's nothing to hold on to. Got to reach out for something... I've been playing my old FPS games to try and cheer myself up. Otherwise, I might as well go back to work. I've been in one hell of a discombobulated state. I spent all of rainy Sunday in bed, drifting in and out of consciousness. I left my phone in the car for two days and didn't even miss it. I guess it's good that nobody was trying to reach me. Though that kinda brings me down. Here's a grim thought: Save for my grown kids, how many days would it take after suddenly dropping dead for the world to know? I live a lonely life, my friends.... Imaginary friends, but real robots and strangers, huh? I had a bit of a scare this morning, bright headlights suddenly behind me, so I hit the gas and drove like a maniac. That wasn't normal behavior for me, but the situation just unnerved me. Strange, though, how that vehicle suddenly disappeared at a spot in the road that simply does not make sense. Did they live there? Did they wreck? Or did they exist at all? Maybe there's a logical explanation for this, and I'm just gaslighting myself... This damn raining the whole time I was off, shitty lawnmowers breaking, and general unease has probably not been so good for my mental state. I hope all this rain will have moved out by quitting time so I can rock and roll until dark when I get home. I am not feeling right in my head or in the rest of my body, for that matter. This past flarked up weekend has just totally derailed me. Plus, that Wally World trip just totally pissed me off. When it comes to my very opinion of my own species, it seems I have a split personality. For the most part, I like my fellow humans. In small to medium numbers, they're just fine. Hell, I even feel lonely without at least some basic human connections. But I despise crowds. I hate dealing with big cities, crowded highways, and places like Wally World (what I dub Wal-Mart). I avoid those places as much as possible. I have avoided them for so long that I am rudely reminded of why. It's nothing against anybody. Sometimes, there's just too many of us. If I wouldn't be so damn old by time it happens, I would volunteer to be a moon or Martian colonist. I love beautiful Earth, blue, green, and sometimes serene, were it not for all the damn humans. (looks in mirror) Damn! There goes another one! I'm a human myself. Therefore, I sometimes get on my own nerves, too. Nothing against humanity, mind you. I try not to be such a damned bitter misanthrope. Indeed, there are a lot of beautiful souls out there trapped in human bodies. I love all beautiful souls. No matter the body they occupy. It's just that I'm reminded again and again if just how much we humans are part of the animal kingdom. It is one dangerous and scary jungle out there. And all too often, it is the law of the jungle that we humans tend to follow. We're the top of the food chain, rulers of Earth, but we seem to have difficulty graduating to something far more than the creatures that gave us rise. These large brains of ours should have plenty of room for philosophy and wisdom. If not, then why did we bother climbing down from the trees and out of our caves? Ooga booga! Mmmm, fire pretty. Ow! Ah! Fire hot! Ogg think this good time unga bunga clean cup move down! We may be born all at once physically, but I think it takes a lifetime to be truly born spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. My present self still needs some work, probably always will in some way, but I am here, indeed, working. While I'm not exactly brimming with pride, of being the wisest, or the greatest (for I am neither) I can say that there is nothing about my current self to hang my head in shame about. For I care, and I am willing to do the work necessary to become just a bit better each day than the day before. I wish this were true about my distant past. As a teenager, I was selfish, insensitive, and couldn't be bothered to see things from other points of view. I was disrespectful to my parents, who struggled so much to give me a good life. Only my own pain mattered to me. Why in the hell did I not take a minute just to look around and see? No doubt I was annoying to be around, and it was probably a miracle I made any friends at all. I was ignorant and made no real effort to learn better. I may have been book smart, but I was stupid and wrong in most every other way. I honestly wish I could go back in time as the person I am now, still with flaws, but with a lot more wisdom and understanding. Though I would probably give my younger self a well-deserved butt whipping. Believe me, he's had it coming. It would be far better to simply replace him with me. I would indeed have a lot of work to do. It would also be awesome to have double the decades to work on myself, for I know I am far from done. Yes, I have matured greatly over the decades, but I don't think it was quickly enough. The clues and the answers were all around me, but I was purposely blind to them. I have a lot of regrets I would like to undo. I have a lot of wrongs I would like to make right. Would it be like Picard in Tapestry? Without the hard lessons I learned from being so stupid and ignorant, would I be any better now? I can't really answer that with any degree of certainty. I wish I could redo my life with the wisdom I have gained. Not by boasting of future knowledge, but by living in quiet wisdom, exercising emotional intelligence in my dealings with others, and simply being the best I could be in whatever role, purpose, or task in the path before me. I would give everything I have for a true second chance. I would like to keep the lessons I've learned, the what, but not the how or why, to have the improvements without the regret or the pain. Is that even possible. Kirk needed his pain. Picard needed his mistakes and youthful arrogance. Did I have to learn everything the hard way? Indeed, there's a reason why I sometimes think of my current life as Purgatory or Limbo. Do you ever remember after bring punished as a child being told, "Now go to your room and I want you to think about what you've done." My room is now Purgatory, and I have the rest of my life think about a lot of things. Including where I flarked up royally. I guess at the end of all things, the only power I have is over today as best as I can. I am older now. I have gained a lot of wisdom that I have paid dearly for, by once upon a time being pretty damned stupid. I can't rewind the tape and put down a better track. All I can do is make these last few "songs" on this "album" be the best ever. All I can do is continue to be a better person each day. I see so clearly what I was once so damned blind to and so ignorant of. My mind is open, and so is my heart. And I find only the here and now before me and within my reach. I might as well put all of my energy into making the best of things. I can't move mountains or drain oceans, but I can make ripples from new examples. I wish I were this person all along. I can only hope that maybe they would be proud of the person I have become and am still becoming. Though my biggest regret will always be that it took this damn long. They deserved the best version of me. Sadly, my best version is today, not yesterday, certainly not decades ago. This is the Purgatory I must live with and in. I can not be prayed out of here. Only the amnesiac arms of Oblivia, or the mercy of whatever and whoever the real God is, can rescue me. After all, it wasn't devils or demons that condemned me here. It was me, albeit a lesser version, a smaller being. Why couldn't I have been born with the maturity and wisdom I have now. Current Wie would have lived a totally different life.