Wie, Why Why

Hellloooooo, Universe!
 

I can be silly. I can be serious. I can be light and laughing. I can be dark and heavy. I can be humorous. I can be philosophical. And like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. Ah, but you won't get bored, no, no, no. I'm kinda like Hawkeye from MASH in that regard. BTW. That was one of my mother's favorite TV shows, but not exactly mine. BTW again. The opposite was true about Hogan's Heroes. Something about my uncles changing the channel when she wanted to watch a different show as a kid. Ah, but hello there! GENERAL KENOBI!! The ride begins now. Buckle your seat belts, and duck tape yourself to the passenger seat. Here we go. Warp 9, engage! Live from the Wie, it's Saturday Night! Hell no. I only wish it were Saturday night. And I would hopefully be at my computer at home. It's only Thursday, man! Can you believe it? This week has already been two and a half months long. Oh and the day has been two or three days at least. Time flies when you're having fun. Ah but it creeps and it stalks when life is at its suckiest. It's Michael Myres time again, moving slow yet impossibly immortal. You just can't kill it. Nothing this evil ever dies. It's slow and relentless like Michael, but it also likes to troll me like Freddy Kruger. [Manic laughter] "It's only 3:00, bitch!" Damn it, Scotty, beam me home! Let me guess: You cannaduit, can you? I knew it! Some good you are. "Sorry, kid, but I don't believe in fairy-tales!" Shut up, Freddy! And so, I'm stuck here. What can I think about to pass the time? Hmmmm. Got it! Cool computer stuff! Well, I just so happened upon a new computer game. It features a crazy anime girl of that archetype that starts with the letter Y, breaking the fourth wall and being overly obsessed with the player. Ah, just my type. Both the game and the girl. Which might explain a few of my bad choices with relationships... Ah, but never mind... I've been stepping into that world just a little bit. Does it say something about my reality that I would rather be trapped in a game world with a sanity challenged anime girl with sinister intentions? Yeah. It's true. Why should my dreams be any healthier than my real life? In fact, if you're going to live dangerously, might as well do so in your dreams. Right? Right. Riiiiight. It is an immersive story and one feels bad for most of the other characters. Though the main one wants to trap me in a game cartridge or eliminate me altogether. She's a lovable lunatic, don't you think? Ah, but she's never before encountered the great Cosmic Wie, has she? "She put me on a cartridge, so I saved her to a 1000 year M-Disk." Yes, I've been catching up on my gaming, movies, and show watching. I just won't say how. I was a few years behind for multiple reasons, but now I'm back in a big way. For that certain game where the main character abducts you (as the player) into the game, I do believe I have figured out how to actually win the game. You could say I found a real-life solution to an in-game problem. If you wish to save all the anime girls in that game, just put them on a read-only 1000-year storage medium. Now, they can't be harmed, and if you keep all of your save data, neither can you (as a player). As a real-life human being, yeah, you're still screwed, though. Remind your caretakers and descendants where your save files are. But, yeah, you're still screwed. It's probably better to just surrender and agree to stay with the girl. It looks like a cute enough house, even when made from ones and zeros. Besides, you'll never be lonely again, and that's one hell of a big plus. Now, if she's open to learning some 90s FPS games to play coop with me, then I'd be in heaven for sure. I'm sure she'd enjoy destroying pixilated monsters and aliens just as much as I do, almost as much as she enjoys the destruction she was secretly doing to alternate versions of herself between versions of her own game, higher resolutions though they may be. Anyway, enough about that. I got every version of that particular game that I could find and I'll be looking out for any new versions and hopefully additions that make it actually possible to save some of the characters from their not so rosy fates in the current game. Though they're not real, just a bit of graphics, voice acting, and code, it still makes me feel bad when I can't help them. Though, that may be the most realistic thing about that game. I'm certainly familiar with not having been able to save real people in this real life. Yep... If I were truly abducted in the game, I would choose to stay. I would try to forget the real world and just be happy. Too bad we only get pulled into a game in a figurative sense, as in binge playing. Okay... Now, that's truly enough. Back to the real world I go. I guess it was the invention of the computer and the internet that has done more to help me escape reality than anything else. The closest runner-up is maybe my books, followed closely by music. Definitely not booze so much. I have found in my middle aged wisdom that it's really no good at all. Friends, we drink to forget only to dwell instead. Then there's hangovers. And just like Hank Jr. sang, they hurt more as you get older. So, drinky drinky is a rare thing for me these days. I just have very little desire for it anymore. So there is my computer, and there is the internet. At this point in human history, connectivity is no problem at all (for computers). I am sure during my random browsing of the net today, my computer has reached out to many other computers probably all over the world. For human beings (especially the one typing this), not so much. These days, a genuine human connection is not so easy to find. Fortunately or unfortunately, we humans kinda need those sort of connections. Or at least I do. And the internet (especially social media) really is no solution. Maybe it once was. Seems I do remember making a few friends. But these days, there's just too many bots, too many scams, and too many things (and people) that are not what they appear to be. There also seems to be a lot more disconnect, so many ways to feel invisible. Not cool, man, not cool at all, far more bogus than bodacious. Now, I can't say whether it is a matter of self-worth, esteem, or whatever. But I can say with certainty that loneliness just sucks. That is as clear as I can state it. It can be so hard to explain these feelings beyond that. I am not even sure if a screen full of text or a disembodied voice could ever be enough to satisfy this hunger for true human companionship. Such is my need and such is my heart, that a bit of genuine love would be all one would need to win me over. When I say that nothing else matters, I truly mean it. And in more ways than many would realize. We are spiritual beings, yes, so much more than the living creatures that we are, yet we are still physical beings in a physical world. Still, real intimacy and true closeness aren't always about (as Beavis And Butthead so eloquently put it) 'scoring'. It is mostly about feeling validated, safe, secure, and most importantly, loved. Whatever check boxes you happen to find yourself in, this is a freaking need. There are a lot of people who will claim to be rough and tough and that they never need anybody. I used to be one of those people until I got tired of being so strong.... Oh, and of lying through my teeth. As I said, loneliness sucks. I have always had this need, even if I often feel it is hopeless to fulfill. I'd keep the deception going, but I did say that this is the place where I tell many of my secrets. You, my friends, Romans, robots, and strangers are the rare beings in the know. Oh, just don't tell anyone, okay? 😉. I'm counting on all my legions not to breathe a word of this. Consider it a final duty to the Empire. All glory to Rome. Keep up the good work, and I shall name you Consul (whenever that office is revived). Trust that Imperial Ruler Cosmicicus Wiesis means what they say, and you will go far, my friend. May we all seek. May we all find. For there is always that which we need to live. I can't tell you it's there, but I will tell you to never give up the search. One can not lose what one has never found. Loving arms are the only salvation. To be held is the only meaning. To be loved is the only purpose. There is no peace but in that embrace. Woe to the heart that can never find love. Woe to the soul that can never find peace. Woe to the wanderers of a desolate land, and woe to a world locked in destiny. What does it mean to be second best to heaven? Beyond love, there is only emptiness, a wasteland, no quarter given, no mercy at the door, no refuge by the gate. No rest for any soul trapped in the body. No solace for any being out of form. The days have come among us and such days have no end. There is no escape but in the comfort of love. No matter what they say, this is what real salvation is. No ghost god, no god of ghosts has ever held me in the comfort of love or filled the void with the warmth of belonging. It takes a human being for that sort of thing. It takes a human being for it to mean anything at all. Otherwise, what is this? What am I? I have to live in this world and I have to live in now. I have seen some wonderful souls in my time who could speak volumes to me without ever saying a word. The language of eyes is at a higher resolution on a higher plane. I have also seen people who talk and talk, yet never say a damn thing. Words without meaning are just noise to me. I have never seen anything so loud be so empty at the same time. That is the difference that substance makes. Or the lack thereof. Then there are the many times I have so much I want to say, but it seems words will never do. I'm done with the jibba. I'm done with the jabba, and I'm all out of Kool-aid. Most of all, I am done with this world, or at least the aspects that no longer interest me. I am in no need of a sermon from anybody who has something to hide. From now on, I will leave the nonsense to those who believe they have time for it. I do not. Time gets shorter every day. I have lots to do even without end. I have lots of love, even with none to send. I have no more time to waste on what others deem important. Importance is a point of view. I might as well go with mine. I have no time. As it is, I see way more grains of sand at the bottom of this hourglass than I see above, waiting to fall. I think about that very last grain now and then, waiting, waiting, waiting to fall. I think back on my youth how I never understood those old people in the church, singing so happily about waiting to die, waiting to die. Ah but now, I think I in part, do. Except, it's not the river jordan or glory, or Christ coming down from the mountaintop. It's of beautiful Oblivia, her loving arms outstretched, waiting for me, waiting for me, waiting to heal me of the pain of memory. Forgive me if this seems as dark as the abyss, but these are my honest feelings. Would you rather I lie? Not everyone can handle the truth. There are some parts of that truth that I can't handle either, there nonetheless, just like the universe, there whether or not I choose to see. There to my dismay. It can not be changed. There is no escape but illusion, that wonderland of peace, where I can sit before my cup and be myself for just a little longer. There is no escape but dreams, but fantasy, one intense Jedi mind trick that I want to be fooled by. When facing up changes nothing than why face up? Maybe I do not wish to hurt. Maybe I think there has been enough of that for a millennium or two. Do I want to be a crying realist, or would I rather be a happy fool? Clean cup? Move down? My watch might be two days slow, but my time is still running out, those gears ticking down. Letting go of anger is far easier than holding back love. Anger like all fires generally dies down if left alone long enough. Or at least in my case. But, love? Love never dies. Love can be so beautiful when we are able to give it. But when we hold it back it cuts deeply. Anger may burn, but love cuts from within when you can't let it out. I am not just talking about unrequited love as the poets of old wrote about, though I know well the feeling they spoke of. I also speak of love with nowhere to go. Loved ones do not live forever. The love for them, mine for sure, does. Or at least as long as I will. Forever enough. Today, the 20th from my perspective, would have been my mother's birthday. She drove me crazy and I know I drove her crazy. No doubt I was the cause of many of her worries. Typical dynamic for mother and child. But that's how I knew she cared. She used to ring my phone like crazy. Now it just sits there in silence. If you're lucky enough to still have your mom and she's driving you Nutso The Clown, lemme tell ya. You're going to miss it someday. The mother and child reunion is only one of a million mishaps away. Though I'll do what I can to put it off for another day. I guess that's life, live, live, and live, until you can no more. While I have been hovering over the point for a long time now, I still can't exactly tell where it is. I guess we'll find it together. Or apart, because I can't exactly say for certain on that either. Though I would like very much that I did not have to face it alone. In numbers, there was and will always be strength. I guess having the wrong expectations for any given situation is an equation that will equal disappointment every time. If you go to moon for a breath of fresh air. If you go to the Sahara for a drink of water, or to Hell for an ice cream sundae and some AC. Still, shouldn't there be (in keeping with the theme) a minimum devil's due? I suppose the he would say, "Nope! Hell, ain't it?" Oh well, coffee breaks's over. Back on our heads we go. When we want to see something badly enough, we can even delude ourselves into seeing it. Jewel was right. A starving heart can hallucinate so easily. It is the nature of the heart of humanity. And human nature can be one hell of a drug. Why (in the hell) is it that when there's so much room for such nonsense and pure bullshit out there in the world and online, can't there be just a bit of what matters to me? Damn it. I wish we were not so defined by so many things before anyone gets a good look at our hearts and souls. One glance and you're judged already. One look and you're expected to behave in some one dimensional way. One judgment and your either loved, hated, trusted, or feared, and they don't know a damn thing about you. What is a heart? What is a spirit? What is a soul? It would seem to my best guess we're all randomly put in boxes by some drunk guy at a factory, processed at the funny farm, and just scattered to the universe. We're like books with the wrong covers. You go to read Armhold Musclehugga's new book, Govenator II and you get Danielle Steele instead. If that makes me bad, then there is no need to send me to the place I already am. I am already here. And I am just so tired of going against the pull of this vortex, even if it's taking me somewhere I do not wish to be. Sorry about my scattered thoughts. I have a lot on my mind. A certain social media site thinks my mother's still alive and is trying to remind me that it is her birthday. But what kind of a terrible child would I be to forget today (February 20th) is my mother's birthday? Let me answer that. One lousy child that I would be totally ashamed of being, if I could not or would not acknowledge this wonderful woman who is my very reason for being. Over the years that followed my debut, No doubt she had more than a few worries, a string of sleepless nights here and there, a significant portion of them due to this particular kid (me). I must admit to there being times when I was one total pain in the butt, and worse: insufficiently grateful for all she's done for me. But those days of my being that brat are long gone. I wish I could go back to those times and do better by her. I will also say now and forever that nobody - absolutely nobody could have asked for a better mother. Maybe it took my ex to show me quite clearly by example what a bad mother truly was like, for me to realize and appreciate the mother who never abandoned me, despite what a pain I could be. If I could only go back. Damn it, too many people are missing, gone forever. I am two of five, yet one of two that remain. The 2020s have not been very kind to my family. What if and what might have been only have power in alternate realities. Here, it shall be or shall never have been. There is no escaping dimensional boundaries, no way of seeing across that great divide. And so we never know, we never know. Sometimes the randomness of chance is too much. The toss of a coin, want of a nail. Are we pieces on a chessboard? Are we that race car, that puppy dog, that thimble on some Great Cosmic Monopoly board? Are we that fading crew on the ship? Remember me, remember me, One destined to be the last guard on watch? The other to be the last to lead the way? Do you ever wonder just what kind of game this is? A damn cruel game. It gives us the power of action, when we are stupid and naive. It takes that power away upon that first lesson after knowing absolutely everything there ever was to know. It left me with not exactly the best opinion of myself. Maybe, just maybe I really do deserve this. Though I thought the purpose of punishment was to eventually stand corrected and redeemed, not to just suffer with no chance of ever changing a goddamn thing. Ah, but is that just me? Maybe it is just me. I, as Socrates, don't know a damn flipping thing. Absolutely jack shit. And ignorance is far from bliss. A void in the heart, a hole in my soul. I don't know a goddamn thing. I know nothing and I never knew anything. The main thing I know now that wish I knew then is that I never knew anything at all. Knowledge of ignorance is as important as it is ironic. It may be a weird twist on the words of Socrates.... But that was in Greek anyway. And since beyond the pantheon and the cities, I don't speak it, I might as well give it my own flavor. Everybody needs somebody. Everybody needs something. You might think I could be a bit more specific on who and what, but in reality it's an exact science I have no knowledge of. As for what, I could throw out words such as love, passion, purpose, meaning, belonging, or compassion. As for who, I could name a name, though maybe it's more of a very intense want for their love and affection. And as the stones sang, you can't always get what you want. How about what I need, then? There are days when I feel okay and others when I'm falling apart. I just want to feel loved, safe, and secure, within a set of arms that I feel I belong. Not too much to ask, huh. It's not just a matter of loneliness. I can't exactly afford a mind doctor on what I make. Besides I don't really need one. It does not take a PHD for the kind of therapy. Hold me, just hold me, then I can heal myself. Love me, just love me, then I might have a reason and the strength to try. This is what I need. I am well fed, but I'm starving. I have a nice house, but I am homeless. For what? For love. I need to feel as if I matter to someone. Not for the fact I can earn a few dollars by the drudgery of days. Not for what I do. But for who I am. Love me, just love me. This is what I need. Still, I try to let this emptiness make me like all the empty heads and shallow hearts of this seemingly plastic world. While nobody has the market cornered on tragedy, while most of us have definitely been through some heavy shit, I will say this. Having gone through hell myself is no license for a lack of empathy. If anything it should be a reminder that life is hard for most everybody out there, and that a bit of kindness and an attempt at understanding could make all the difference in the life of someone suffering alone. It's not that we absolutely have to understand, only that we try. It doesn't cost a dime to have a heart. It's just so tough when said heart will not leave my sleeve. They say to develop a thicker skin, but to what end? To become an automaton? I guess I have wished many times I were this cold robotic being... But that just wouldn't be me. Looks like I'm stuck here.