Dearest Universe,
As a caretaker of memory, I do the best that I can. Still, I find myself inadequate when somebody asks me what you were like. It warms my heart that people want to know. But, I couldn't describe in mere words the unique and wonderful person I knew and still know in my heart. I fear I could never do justice to what the world lost when I lost you. All I have are memories and echos. And even after all this time, my life is still empty without you in it. I just miss you. As for everything else, life has this way of going on. It's been a rough patch, emotionally, first you, then Mom, then Dad. I am not the same. I have been constantly changing, evolving, in a flux that has not yet coalesced. Either that, or I am in a long process of losing my sanity. Through these long walls of text, there have been many changes. I am no longer so sure about a great many things. It seems I have had both not enough and way too much time to think, if that makes any sense. Or maybe I have too many things to think about and so little time for my brain to be stuck on the wrong subject. Either way, it makes me feel like The Great Cornfusedieo. I have so much on my mind, so much I need to sort out. Speaking of that, I've also got some serious numbers to crunch. When a full-time (semi skilled labor) job does not cover basic needs bills anymore, you've really got to wonder. So, it's also been a rough patch financially, and something is most definitely going to have to change soon. I can't go on running my finances like Uncle Sam runs his, spending more than I make. At least not for long. I've got to find a way to reverse that trend, cut out some costs, take a second job, something. For which I'm getting a bit old to be running on empty. As I know I have said many times, the only thing I despise more than politics is a politician. So when I talk about how recent years have totally sucked for me financially, and how much it annoys me to hear how 'good' things have been going when the cost of everything has gone insane and I have not seen a raise in years --- It is not out of love for any politician. All I know is that my bottom line has erroded to the point where a solid 40 hours a week just ain't covering the bills. I am in one hell of a mess right now. I am going to have to work some serious magic to make it through the rest of this year. I really need to stop talking about taking a second job and just go ahead and get one. Man, it just sucks that a full-time job ain't enough. And I'm not talking about unnecessary luxuries here, but basic needs. Damn it, this is just totally insane! And all the hot air behind podiums, all those jobs reports, all that rosy bullcrap ain't helping me personally. I don't give a damn about what check boxes a candidate checks. They could be space lizards from Venus, promising a decent living for honest work, and they would get my vote. Political people really annoy me, parading around with their noses up a politician's butt, and getting upset when they encounter other idiots almost identical except their noses are up the opponent's butt. Then they argue back and forth and threaten each other. Real mature, guys. Y'all can keep your drama because I will admit it here: I don't care about religion or identity politics, or name calling, or any of that bullshit. All I care about is money, my bottom line, cashola, buckazoids. I need my work to generate enough money to cover my basic needs. Otherwise, they're ripping me off. Like AC/DC sang, money talks, and bullshit walks. Or as the O'jays put it, I need that mean green almighty dollar. Money money money money, money! Man, I feel weird. I feel like I have not slept in days when it seems I've done nothing but sleep. It's like I'm stoned and not in a good way. The world seems fuzzy wuzzy and my head is full of fog. I just can't seem to be able to put two thoughts together today. I'm just tired as hell without even knowing what I'm tired from. My batteries are drained, and I can't figure out why. My usual morning pick me ups don't seem to be helping. Maybe I need to hibernate a few months. I am not exactly sure what's wrong with me this time, except that I'm just not feeling good. I had plenty of sleep or so, I think so, but you wouldn't be able to tell it. I feel as if I could pass out for days. Heck, I konked out early, overslept anyway, and yet feel like I've been up all week. It seems somebody must have pressed my off button again. I slept through my loud beeping alarm. It didn't even register. I was late for work. First time being so in years, but late nonetheless. I'm not sure how, but I banged up my hand in my haste to get there. Apparently, I drew blood. And the whole damned thing is hurting like I punched a wall or something. Either I have been kicking my own ass in my half asleep state, or I'm starting to have old people problems. So here I am, late and hurtin' for certain. I guess pain is a good reminder that I am still alive. It's a beautiful morning and one lovely life. I just feel out of sorts. It seems I'm running myself absolutely crazy and I'm getting nothing accomplished. It just ain't cool, dudes. And all this with a backdrop of disconnect, where I guess the pain does serve a purpose of keeping me kinda grounded in reality. What a strange purgatory, what a surreal Limbo, this place out of mind and time. Where have I found myself, where even darkness reflects, where even silence echoes? Still, I am only lost in a mere spatial, temporal way. And even if the differences between up, down, left, right, now, and then may blur a bit, there are still some truths that keep me quite grounded. Even on an empty chessboard, a knight is still a knight. I may not know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but who and what I am has never been in doubt. Even if it seems a mere reflection. I have had people in my life who had an image of me that I, myself, couldn't really accept. It was (I guess) that they saw something about me, that I can't to this very day understand.. Or maybe it was that I can see into my own soul and know just how far from that image (at least in my own eyes) I am. Though It did my heart good to know they thought so much of me, it also brought me down that I could never be that image completely. Still, it gave me motivation to improve and to grow and to try to live up to that image as best I could. Nothing quite lights a fire under one's posterior then to want to be the person so loved by someone that you, too... Love so much. I wish I could have been more. I really do. Even now that I'm all alone. I sometimes give thought to those rock and roll lyrics on how it's better to burn out than fade away. I don't know. It would be a sad irony to be a bright, beautiful, but brief, shooting star if nobody happens to be looking up in that fleeting moment of shine. Ah,to fade or not to fade. We don't always get the choice. But, sometimes, if truly lucky enough, one does get to choose how. Sometimes, my thoughts get too heavy. I know that my happiness should not depend on anything but my own efforts and my own will... Yadda Yoda.. I am not incomplete as myself or on my own. Nope, not incomplete... I am what i am... but maybe uncomplemented? Is that a word? If not, then take note, Webster, and be sure and credit me. Maybe I get a little too much into the role of this biological creature that I seem to be. Ever get weirded out a bit that everything you have seen, everything that you have ever known... That It's all in your head? An no, it does not mean you're crazy. If you're crazy, then so am I and everybody else. But... back to my point... We humans have this wonderful gift of abstract thinking... Not everything's gotta be about surviving and 'scoring' uh huh huhhuhuh. There is art and the universe... Yeah, The downside, It gets a bit lonely, and it can really bring you down. But... you know? Look at us all sharing this slice of eternity. Alone together, together alone... Whatever that may mean to anyone. Positivity is great until it gets ridiculous. Sometimes, winning is a matter of choosing the correct game, but I'm not gonna fake sunshine and rainbows when there aren't any. Sometimes, you gotta make your own world. Dark gloomy clouds can come with silver linings, gentle rain, and a breeze just so... And if you know, you know. It would seem I am still here. I think for the time being, I will stick to this blog and mostly stay clear of social media. Really, such things are not the best for mental health, mine or anybody's, really. And, roughly a month before a big election here in these United States, is as a fine time as any for a Face-cation. Isn't anybody else as sick of the political ugliness as I am? I hate to break this to them. Actually, I love to break this to them, just to say, "Hey, your candidate does not love you." Now, maybe if you were a nice rich donor, they might love you a little bit. No matter who wins next month, most of us are going to lose. And to quote Forest, that's all I got to say about that. I really do feel sometimes that I am in some sort of purgatory, some sort of limbo where I am just plain ineligible for most of the games of life, save for working, eating, and sleeping... A fish out of water, a creature out of time... It does get lonely sometimes when I can't distract myself with things around the house, or with my ancient computer realm where people understand less and less as the years go by and the more disconnected and medieval I, Merlin of Cyberland seems. A fish out of water, indeed, or stuck in a goldfish bowl completely separate from the rest of the world.. That's me, irrelevant, and out of time. Damn that sounds depressing as hell when I say it like that. Maybe there's a better spin I could put on this. If empty headed politicians can do this, then why can't I? I guess if I am truly beyond hope, then I am beyond so many other things as well. Maybe what really matters is that I still draw breath, and I have my one little corner of this planet to call home, a place I have pretty much been around for all my life. I guess so long as I am not over here going without food and shelter and yadda yadda Yoda, then I should be fine. I guess I do get lonely a bit too often for my liking, that my distractions are not quite enough to chase that loneliness away. I often wish I had a special friend who would need me as I would need them, as in we would be each other's answer. If only this world were so grandly designed. But it's not. I am just a product of chaotic random chance, as is everything and everyone around me. Ah, my love, for want of a proton, for the orbit of an electron, go we. The only reason some claim order in this chaos is that the only way to observe it is to have been created by it in the first place. And what a universe this is, with so much beyond the cosmic horizon, an infinity from our understanding. I guess I know what I know, and hopefully, I learn a bit more, here and there, now and then. But I can never really know everything. I'm just along for this crazy ride, wondering just how much of this ticket I have left. We're never as subtle as we think we are about certain things. And even if my demeanor and mannerisms are saying one thing, fitting the role, and towing the party line, I can also be figuratively and quite contradictory shouting out loud. I guess I both care and am not worried, all at the same time. I'm just over here being me, all the same, but new and improved.. No, not the New Coke, but the same old classic. Just for the hell of it, Diet Coke. You know? There are so many things about religion that does not compute with me. One of the biggest is how some call the Middle East the supposed 'Holy Land'. Really, there are so many places on Earth that are far closer to paradise. Tahiti, in the time of Captain Bligh, that beautiful island with the beautiful culture and those beautiful women, so much so to cause the mutiny on the HMS Bounty. Yes, tropical islands with crystal aquamarine waters... If I were a god, then that would be the Holy Land, far better than that war torn strip of land where every group of people try to out do each other in the art of cruelty and evil. Of course, the British Navy came along later to punish both mutineer and loyalist alike.. Unlike in religious doctrine, I guess paradise here on earth does not last forever. You guys can have your holy land. Just give me my island. I would gladly learn the language and meld into the culture. I guess maybe my concept of paradise just doesn't jive well with the so-called normal. Give me a simple existence with a few special friends. That's all I really want. Give me bright, beautiful days and long, luscious nights. That is all the heaven I will ever need. Well, for some reason or other, I am feeling better. I guess you never know what antics this body of mine might be up to. It is one definite funhouse ride to be sure. It is probably far easier to predict the weather than how I will feel on any given day. Some days, I feel awesome and full of energy. Then you had this morning when I was a walking zombie. Neither of those physical / mental states come often paired with a logical reason why. Okay, friends, speaking if feeling ways about things, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and heavy thinking of late. I do believe the time has come to return to the path that brought meaning to my life and happiness to my heart. Really, it saved me before, and it's about to rescue me again. Here, she comes in her armor and determination to be. And we shall ride gloriously into the sunset, my hero... Besides, I do believe I never fit this bullshit role in the first place. It's odd how the world and the wheels have turned. There are things I would have once accepted that I would dismiss in a heartbeat. There are things I would have once rejected out of hand that I would consider today. It seems the older I get, the more of that new creature I have become. And now, I stand at a very similar crossroads to where I stood before. What deal should I make this time? If I knew the future of what might fall into my hands, I would also know the deal. What will it be? Should I be what and who I tried so hard to be for someone else, or should I be who I always knew I was? Come on, universe, what should it be? The actor or the role? After a bit of consideration, I have now decided. Friends, Romans, Robots, and Strangers, I am back. And, as for me, I mean I am bringing back the true, real, certified, and certifiable self that I have always been, but haven't always shown. Yes, Universe, Hello, it's me, AEB forever and ever amen. It's not like I could truly get away from this anyhow. Besides, I kinda missed me. After all, this is what got me through some of the darkest parts of my life. Sometimes, you really have to be your own light. See, there was a while. I really threw myself into the role, the character... I had my reasons (well, reason), just like the horse chasing that unreachable carrot on a stick has its reasons. And now, also for reasons, some of which I will allude to here, I am going to be myself, not the role. The actor instead of the character, and for the following reasons. Firstly, the closer to my true heart and soul I can be, the happier I am. I know what I am, and lying about it is rather painful. Secondly, my whole reason for trying that course of reversion was based upon an illusion, a beautiful one nonetheless, but the realness, so needed, was never there. I found myself more and more depressed not only because certain things were never going to happen, but also by this stranger to myself I was trying to be, and by seeing less and less of my true self in the mirror because of it. And all for what? In the end, nothing worthwhile, nothing worthy of these sacrifices I have been making. Then there were the negative effects, those demons I was all too happy to exorcise before, and I am all too glad to utterly destroy this time. I am a non-believer, but there are still relevant bible verses I could quote here, something about if your eye offends, then it is better to pluck it out, than to allow it to keep you out of heaven. In my case, it is my true and pure potential from which such an offense would bar me. I never liked those demons, and I have no problem sending them back to figurative hell where they indeed belong. All they do is steal my time, my energy, and finally, my integrity. Plus, they're not so good for my mental health. Die, demons, die. And stay gone this time. All in all, it seemed only the negativity returned, none of the positivity, and none of the wishful circumstance. Friends, if I am to chase an impossible dream, it might as be my own and as a being true to my own heart, mind, and soul, to mold the body and not in the reverse. Like I said before, my very core has never been in doubt. It has never been a question of how to feel or how to be, merely how much to present. I now look forward day by day to my full return. Like I said, I have really missed me. It will be so very good to be back, having traded insanity for stability (Some won't see it that way), heartache for delightful pain, plainness for realness, dullness for a bit of sparkle. Hello, it's me. Don't like? Don't look. The Great Oz has chosen, and I'm going to grant that wish. And there is no man behind the curtain. Hello, there! Hello, it's me. How do you do? Did ya miss me? It really makes me question the whole idea of free will when I realize just how we can be totally ruled by certain chemicals in our brains. It can also make one question their own sanity. I'm not even talking about being on drugs, or at least any drug that the body does not produce itself. All I know is that my mind has not been this clear in a very long time. Yes, yes, my thoughts have always been my own, but they have been heavily influenced all the same. It's like the veil has finally been lifted from my eyes, and I can actually see clearly again. It is a not so subtle reminder that you can lose yourself without even knowing it. Some demons, it would seem, take a good while to destroy. Some little monsters really do have staying power. However, I was freed before, and I will be free again. My hero is on her way, and I know she has the power to defeat them. This decision had to be made. See, I was trying to return beyond that point of no return, and I have not been very happy in having put myself back into harm's way. I was so much happier when discarding the role and breaking the mold. The time has come. It is time. The hour is chiming and is late indeed. It's not too late for me. It is too late for them. In this case, I am the one who says so. You had your chance at me, and that chance is gone. See, if there were no other takers, no other challengers, then it is quite up to me to save myself. You could've had me, but now, I have myself. And my adventure is just beginning. God save The King and Long Live The Queen. Oh, and Hail Emperor Todd The Destroyer. My name is Zorg, and I'm going on patrol in the North region. I have a rogue planet to destroy. It was a feeling of freedom I had not known since my childhood. And I want it back. You know? I actually had that freedom for a little while, too, but then I had to go and catch feelings for someone and think I needed to go back into that particular lion's den. And that freaking lion seems a great deal more ferocious since the last time I put him to sleep. Yet here I am again.... Armor with an E. That's the E in AEB and today's letter on Sesame Street alongside W, T, and F. What do I mean? I mean that if I can't figure this insanity out for myself, none of you, my dear friends, Romans, robots, and strangers have a chance in Hades. Sorry.. I am sure this is a close equivalent to watching Pink Floyd The Wall on acid and without any happy pills. Kind of a bad trip until I get the demons back to hell where they belong. This is all symbolic, by the way. Sometimes, I really can get lost in metaphor... but that's just how I roll.... Cosmic Wie, always wanting to go to another planet, always falling back to Earth. Still, that figurative fog is starting to clear. Good. These past seven days have been a rough road. This time, I will give my true self the solemn promise that I'm never going back. It is so much more than a matter of identity but of dignity and of the desire of never finding myself in such dire circumstances again. It is amazing how much control certain aspects can have over one's mind, seen with such clarity once those aspects fade. I have returned. Freedom is good, my friends. So, what can I really say? I know I'm winging it and flying blind, but I love the way it makes me feel. It has been the only source of instant joy I have ever known. I remember when I first experienced this. The heaviness and the delightful pain, that reassuring softness that would dry my tears on those bleak mornings when I really felt I had nothing else to live for. What can I say? Have I gone mad? Probably. Still, it has given me and still gives me something to strive for, to look forward to. I can accept living in madness if that's what will make me happy. I only get one existence, so why should I be miserable for the sake of other people? So, yeah. It has always been with me, between the lines, so to speak, always there even before I knew what exactly it was. Though, in hindsight, it explains quite a bit. Is it any wonder that this role I am expected to play has been the toughest role ever? I can see certain events of my past going much more smoothly under 'the other' set of expectations. Still, we can't really change the hand we were dealt, can we? Nope. I can only do the best I can with what I have. Would people really think I either chose this or am making it up? Believe me that conformity and normality would be a much easier path if only I were built that way. But it is so alien to me, so foreign to my inner soul. So what am I to do? Fake it? Believe me, I have tried. At the same time, I can't exactly go totally wild in the other direction, either. It is a bit of balance in this limbo in between where I must live. It is all a battle between the idea of not rocking the boat and full speed ahead on the AEB of the deep blue sea. Think Love Boat times a thousand. But I guess also at this point, I'm not always sure of exactly what I want, even if I am beyond all certainty on who I am. Complicated circumstances. In an ideal world, it would be so easy. But it's not that way at all. I am a human being, this living creature, and I just feel certain ways and think heavy thoughts. I can't limit myself to this or that. All I can really say that makes any level of sense is that I am myself. Who else could I really be? In short summary, these ramblings can and will vary. I am a living creature who has spent decades trying to figure myself out, not to mention the world around me. And neither are exactly in a static state. Just like Ozzy sang, I'm going through changes. Sometimes, I truly wonder if solid ground is a true place to stand or just another illusion. They do say that matter on an atomic level is mostly empty space, and I believe them. I would hope that minds have a bit more substance. But who really knows? They can choose to believe this or that, but in the end, can we truly know anything? And that my friends is the perennial conundrum.
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