Good morning, friends, Romans, robots, and strangers.
And you, Universe, especially you.
Help me, Universe Kenobi. You're my only hope.
Let The Mad Tea Party Begin!
December 10th was a birthday of sorts for an old friend. Doom turned 30 years old. I've been playing that game for almost that long. Early 1994, when my Dad downloaded the shareware version. It was awesome to see the two Johns, Romero and Carmack, spend an hour long Twitch stream talking about making that awesome game. Romero made my favorite level E1M7 The Computer Station. I know my way around that level better than I do some places in real life. And if I were a former human, that would be where I'd hang out. Computers and stuff, right? It is good to see Romero making new levels to this very day. It is awesome that Carmack released the source code back in 1997. Now, Doom runs on everything, even a pregnancy test. Congratulations, it's a Caco! I know all the monsters just as well as I know the levels. I even have nicknames for some of them. I remember thinking the imps looked a lot like those creatures from the sewers in the movie C.H.U.D, so I call imps chuddies. The Mancubus from Doom II sounds like he's saying, "Yo mamma!" When he sees you. And I'm like, "What did you say, punk?" And those former humans in the hanger, I am well acquainted with those guys. They're always back whenever I want to play. See, nobody ever really dies in doom. In fact, if you make levels and especially if you record demos, Doom can give you a bit of immortality. I can still watch my 20-something year old self playing through the levels. I have recorded many demos since then, so as long as those files remain, a bit of me will, too. There are also levels made by people who are long gone and a very few even made by me. (I recreated the diner from C.H.U.D and filled the level with chuddies) Now you too can be officer John Goodman. If you're a decent Doom player, your fate will not be as grizzly as his was in the movie. But yes, Doom has a strange way of granting just a little immortality. Just as those zombiemen in the very first level are back as soon as the game starts, so will I return if you load the right files into the game. Nobody ever really dies in Doom, not even the monsters. Everybody, human or otherwise, gets another chance. This game has been my company in some very lonely times of my life. Well, other computer games, too, like visual novels. Yep, fighting monsters and dating anime girls. And don't confuse the two. Of course, the fact that there are monster girls and HDoom really adds the confusion. It would appear that consuming too many berserk packs has had some strange side effects on Doomguy. Maybe he needs to see a doctor when he gets back to Earth. Hey, the addons people make only add to the staying power of Doom. You get Star Trek, Star Wars, and the best yet Army of Darkness Doom. "I got a bone to pick with you!" I love that movie. Skeletons with attitude. And, of course, I have literally thousands of levels. Hell, I can't be far from a million. Put it this way, I have about 50 gigabytes of Doom stuff, with most levels being only a few megabytes a piece, if even that. I have more than I could ever play, yet I keep getting more. I am weird like that. I guess I must pursue anything and everything that might grant me a little happiness. If this means acquiring Doom levels I may or may not play, then so be it. If it means music that I very rarely listen to, movies I seldom ever watch, just to have and preserve, then so be that too. I'll do whatever it takes to keep my head above these figurative dark waters. And even with all this, it is still one hell of a job.
There are days when the phase inducers are overloading, the Heisenberg compensators are decoupling, the warp containment field is destabilizing, and the damned dilithium crystals are fracturing. You're giving it all she's got, and you can nay do any more. But fret not, lads and lasses. We're gonna make it somehow, even when it seems we cannaduit. We will. We'll make it to the next planet so that the cap'n can romance the next hot alien babe while we're stuck on the ship a'fixin all the stuff. Wait! That is a nay fair at'all! Man, my finances keep getting worse and worse. The good news is that on January 1st, my youngest son and I will have some decent health insurance coverage. The bad news is that my hours at work are still severely cut, meaning my income is dangerously close to being less than the total of my bills. Well, it would be had I not needed silly things like food and gasoline. And I can't run my finances in the way the government runs theirs. Well, I might have to anyway at least this month. See, I have two medicines that are going to run out well before the end of December. My vehicle that I still owe a ton of money on has a payment due that really needs to come out of this check and is 2000 miles overdue for an oil change. And I want to keep up good maintenance on it so I can keep it for many years to come, hopefully well beyond the duration of the payments. My auto insurance is astronomical because of the full coverage and the fact that my 20 year old son is on it. Simply put, I was already living paycheck to paycheck and trying my damnedest not to slip further into debt before all of this. In other words, I am about to have to talk to the kiddo about starting to cover some of his own bills. I hate to do that, but I really don't want to have to get a different job. Aside from the lousy pay and the crappy hours, I do happen to like my job. And see, I know well firsthand how hard it is to find a job that one doesn't absolutely dread. I'd rather not give that up. Unfortunately, if this pattern persists, I may have no choice. It's ironic, all these people spending extreme buckazoids on Christmas and yadda yadda Yoda, And here I am just trying to keep a way of going, meds for myself and my son, the lights on and food in the fridge. The struggle is real, my friends. Inflation does not help the poor if everything's going up except for their wages. I really am getting close to the financial breaking point, with the mental and emotional breaking points not so far behind. It sucks. Really, it does. I had better change subjects before I start to cry. Clean cup move down.
Okay, okay, okay. What do you get when you cross The Walking Dead with Sesame Street? "A is for arguing, B is for brains, Z is for zombie!" Seriously, they wouldn't be up and walking around had y'all not woke them up with all that fussing. Wake me up like that, and I'd probably bite, too. Okay, here we go. Jonathonian Fact 367: Cold weather really erodes my morning resolve. The room is cold, and the blanket's warm and cozy. It is so easy to delay and even easier to accidentally drift off back to sleep. I really got to work on that. Just five minutes is never just five minutes. Luckily, I've never been late, but I sure hate to have to rush, especially with only myself to blame. Rip Van Winkle ain't got nothin on me. Speaking of cold weather, Of all the Christmas songs out there, the ones I understand the least are the people singing so joyfully and cheerfully about being out in the cold. Not me, Jack. My song would be "Chillin in an indoor comfy land." Okay, okay, okay. Work had their annual sexual harassment meeting yesterday. But wait, I already know how to do that! Kidding. Far be it from me to go anywhere I'm not wanted. But anyway, they packed a bunch of us into this itty bitty conference room. Not fun. A closed in space filled with a lot of people covers two of my favorite phobias. Get me to drive in a big city, and you're 3 for 3 and ready for the playoffs. Not to mention, I had to drive to a fair sized city to visit my dad in the hospital on Saturday, so I am definitely covered on all three this week. Of course, I handle all awesomely well when I absolutely need to. Still, I can't promise I'll be having any fun. Life of late has been anything but. Okay, how about some good news for a change? Thanks to a bit of sudden good fortune, I am well stocked on food. I think I've got enough where I can keep a super short grocery list and put most of that money towards my other bills instead. Hooray? Okay. It's strange how the heavy thoughts creep in. They may be only heavy in the figurative sense, but I swear I can feel the weight. Some of my heaviest thoughts revolve around time and its way of taking away from a human being almost everything that matters. Sometimes slowly, bit by bit. Other times in a single day with no foreknowledge, a blindside, like a tidal wave that takes everything in its wake. Which hurts worse? I have experienced both in the ones that I love and still can't say. It might as well be the difference between losing one limb or another. And I am not just talking about mortality here. Time takes so much from us while we yet still live. It takes our strength, it steals our independence, takes away the people we love, and it does one hell of a number on our dignity. And it hurts my heart to see anyone that I love go through this. Now, losing them all at once? That is a hell of its own. Tell me how you can be one with a universe that surrounds me, a universe I am even a part of, yet seem so far away sometimes? Like so much that I have experienced in this life, it just does not compute. It's like both time and space are constantly warping, forever changing. Sometimes it seems forever ago, that dark day when I held your hand and watched as you were leaving, that moment when I couldn't even say goodbye. Then there are moments when it was just yesterday. Sometimes you seem so far away, yet there are times when I could swear you are right here with me. I'd like to say I understand, but I don't. I painfully wish that I could. Geesh, didn't I already clean cup move down these kinds of thoughts earlier? Heavy thoughts and boomerangs, horseshoes and hand grenades, beer and pretzels, all like peas and carrots again. I would say I'm finally going mad, but I'm already there. How can one go where they already are? Wouldn't this mean I was somewhere else first? Faking sanity can be a real bitch. I'm so grateful that I am not forced to do so here. That would be a travesty. I guess I should grateful that I am not exactly riding high, on top of the world, breaking into song, annoyingly happy. See, when you're at the zenith there is only one way left to go, down down, down. So maybe it is good to have a bit of sky above me. Even if it's grey, there's blue above the clouds, and even a bit of rain can be beautiful at times. My world is messed up. It is a world missing so many of the people I love most. Then there are those who I love with equal ferocity that seem to be barely hanging on. Everything's screwed. This game of life is glitched as fuck. I am tired, I feel old and past my prime. I know the chances for a lot of things have passed, but maybe, just maybe, there is something even better if I can just figure out what it is. It may be glitchy as hell, but the game's not over. I guess one could hope, but your guess is as good as mine. Time will tell, but time is a jerk. Meanwhile, it is time for yet another clean cup move down. It has been a productive, but hell of a long day, My friends... Soooo. I am about to eat a good supper, and then sleep so deep that even all the Pharaohs of Egypt would be impressed..
Think Bubba Ho-Tep Meets Rip Van Winkle.
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