We Begin Again

Good morning, Universe.

I'm just waking up, just coming back to whatever reality there may be. There are no special plans. This happens to be one of those rare and wonderful days off. As I have no doubt said elsewhere, It is just beautiful to wake up a little bit at a time. It is nice to get up only when both mind and body agree it is time. There is a bit of a chill in the air despite having the heat on. Guess I'm getting to the age where you kinda feel it in your bones. You know? I have always done best, keeping a narrow focus, dealing with one thing at a time. Metaphorically, it is far easier for me to focus on individual trees, as the whole damn forest can be just depressing. Same with time: I do far better thinking about now. Thinking about the past can be difficult, bringing about longing, lamenting, and regret. (Well, there also was a period of time 14-15 years ago when my life was way worse than now) (So let's throw in some gratitude to this weird mix). Thinking about the future? Well, there's worry and uncertainty, along with the knowledge I'm not getting any younger, knowing that there are things simply beyond my control. Not to mention a continued existence without some of the most loved people in my life. The here and now is the only real place to be, my friends. It's the only moment in time you can ever really do anything about.  Now is a time that will never come again. Tomorrow will be another now. Life is a series of now's.  We all work in a figurative time factory, standing by a conveyor belt, processing each now that comes down the line.. They are not endless, nor is the workday eternal.  Five O'clock is coming. The longer I've had to live this day, the more okay I am with this. Some days, I am ready and not afraid at all. Bring it on, tall dark and skeletal! After all of this, do you honestly think I am still afraid of you? Bring it on, big man. Let's see what you've got! Don't read me wrong, folks. The day is beautiful enough, I suppose. I've got the usual stuff on my mind, but (again) the day is lovely. It is often a balance of within and without. Gotta count your blessings and not count your chickens. And, for me, it is easy to have more blessings than chickens since my chicken count is precisely zero. Ah say, Ah say, not even Foghorn Leghorn, doo dah, doo dah. Sometimes, I wonder if life is just a sanity test. Maybe a sanity longevity test? In that case, I Am Napoleon, Emperor Of France! I demand a room with a view! Can we just stop this test now? Also, where is my Josephine? (Knocks on door) Excuse me, Miss, but I am Abraham Lincoln. Is this my Gettysburg address?  No, I wasn't born on February 12, 1809. How ridiculous! Everyone knows I am 5000 years old and from the planet Venus! I belong to The Yellow Yellow Taxi, and I can fly! Ah, finally, some service. Took you guys long enough. Hey! What's with this jacket? The sleeves are all wrong! Hey, where are we going? Don't you know who I am? Okay, I'm not that far gone yet, but just wait a while, my friends. It's quite the slow descent down this long ladder of madness. Thank you oh so much for your patience for this future patient.

Social media really is the devil, you know? Not only is it hell on an individual's mental health, but it is also responsible for group insanity.  All you have to do is pick your bubble these days. It's insane. Conspiracy theories are running rampant. There is both left and right group-think and echo chambers. And, man, the things people believe these days! And all of this political propaganda never seems to end. I really have better things to do with my life. I used to engage when the discourse was civil and mostly sane. That was a long time ago. I have also opened my eyes and my mind to a lot of things since I quit involving myself in it. I get it. Your guys are good, and the other guys are evil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They treat their leader like he's some sort of god. I'm surprised I haven't seen them kneeling before him. He's not General Zod, you know. The other dude certainly isn't the brightest bulb in the shed, but he's not evil either. Basically, we had a choice between a regular dummy and an egotistical dummy, which was why I didn't waste my time on either. I'm split on policy because I lean one way socially and the other way economically. In short, nobody has been speaking directly for me anyway. I fit none of the bubbles, it seems. These political parties are becoming more and more like cults. Could this have happened without social media? I doubt it. If you do happen to find yourself following the pied piper, you might want to stop a minute to be sure he's truly playing your song. Also, you might want to make sure he's not leading you off a cliff.

It's probably getting to be time for another break from social media for me personally. It can really drain a soul, you know? There have been several times when the only way for me to feel better was to leave for a while. It is not designed to be helpful to your mental health. In fact, I'm quite sure the most profitable users of these sites are lonely, empty, lacking, and searching. We humans need other humans. We need that connection. Social media is good at fooling us into thinking we can find it there. But it is the cruelest lie they tell us. You are not profitable if you actually find what you need. The profit is in the endless search of the lonely. There is really no substitute for good old-fashioned human contact, be it intellectual, emotional, physical, or all of the above. And it's just not there. The next trap is people thinking it is somehow their fault, as if there were something wrong with them. It's not. It is the site, not you. Yet another trap is the whole keeping up with the Jones's thing. You see people posting their nice houses and cars, their perfect relationships, and their unbelievably expensive vacations, mainly to places you doubt you'll ever see with your own eyes. But, things are rarely as they seem. The richer, the more lovey dovey they appear, the less reality you are actually seeing. It is like looking into a fun-house mirror. That's not reality, just a distorted harmonic. I have seen this proven right, time and again. Wait, watch, and you'll see it too. The grass is only greener because bullshit makes for great fertilizer.

I haven't exactly been myself of late. Then again, how long has it really been? When have I ever actually been myself? My focus has long been to be as much my true self as my situation allows. Unfortunately, it has never allowed me to get as close as I truly need to be. Could anyone ever truly understand how much it hurts to truly know but can never exactly be? These last few years haven't exactly been kind, either. 2021 changed me. 2022 broke me. It's been almost a year, and the loss of my baby sister still weighs heavily on my heart. This battle I fight against this depression never seems to end. It can be very difficult, you know? I often feel lonely, irrelevant, and inadequate. I often feel tired. I often feel old. I am sick of playing a role I was never made for. This isn't me! There are so many things that need to be done, too many of them beyond my finances, physical and mental strength. I am literally watching things fall apart. It is challenging enough just to hold onto my job and keep these bills paid. I am up before the sun most every morning. Such are my hours at work. It is all that I can do. It is really all that I can do. I just feel nobody understands. I wish at least one person understood. This is not going to be some stranger on the other end of a telephone line. That is impossible. I can see and even appreciate good intentions. Sadly, it's just not that simple. Ever think about just running away? If only I knew where to run. With a little love and belonging, maybe there could be something worth fighting for. I can guess, but I fear I may never know. I am just so tired. I am so very tired. Excuse me, Mr Frost, but do you ever want to just forget those last few promises? Do you ever want to forget those last few miles. Why not right here? Why not right now? Why not sleep in the dark shade of the forest? Wouldn't this be the shortest distance to peace?

These are those heavy thoughts I refer to now and then. You can see why I might be a bit reluctant to spell them out elsewhere. They're only thoughts. Just because I have them does not mean I am committed to them. Everyone needs a future worth fighting for. Everyone needs something worth working towards. Heavy thoughts only have power when you feel the future is no longer worthwhile. The only way to fight them and win is to prove to yourself that the future just might be worth dealing with the present. And it's not like this is forever anyway. We might as well see this through, right? Nothing is forever. 2022 certainly proved this true for the people I love. I know it's true for me as well. What's eternity minus a few years anyway? Still eternity. Still forever. It is a difference that makes no difference,  Therefore, no difference at all. Might as well see what is on the next page. Might as well see if tomorrow truly is another day. Be it a year from now, be it a few decades, the same eternal night will be waiting for me, unchanging as ever. Everything until then is a bonus round, overtime, and there just might be something worthwhile.

Did you ever realize that Heaven and oblivion have a few things in common? There are no tears. There is no pain of any kind. Both are eternal. Both are forever. Both are in the blink of an eye. One difference is that I only believe in one. But if there were a heaven, and if it was supposed to be so wonderful and perfect, let me describe it: San Dimas, California 2688. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean. I walk into the throne room. The walls are covered in this beautiful shiny blue metallic cloth. There is most excellent music playing in the background. From the throne, Bernie Casey or whoever starts to play air guitar to that awesome music, along with his two underlings. Somebody offstage cranks the volume up. Men and women begin to file into the room wearing that same blue material. They all play air guitar in perfect sync. Suddenly, I see familiar faces among them. I run to them. I embrace them. Maybe I break the rule about tears, just this once. Yep, yep, heaven would be the future with a 1980s twist from Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure. Of course, I don't actually believe this, but I'd love to be proved wrong.  Bonus points if I can escape to the past in a telephone booth. I will say this: If I can't have my loved ones back, I'd prefer oblivion. Earth sucks without them as it is.

So, what have I learned today? I have learned that I am definitely not a space cadet. I need solid Earth beneath my feet. I need to feel safe where I stand. I need to feel grounded and centered. I need to know and feel that I am safe and secure. It would be nice to feel loved. Being adrift and untethered is the most frightening thing in the world. I was born on this planet, and here is where it will end as well. I am earthbound, now and forever. I need to be secure. I have also learned that I could never be an island. Friends are more important than I can express. The beauty of friendship is simply knowing someone is there. They don't have to solve or fix anything. Just be there. It can mean so much. Even a simple hello could make a world of difference. Why? Because one at least knows they cross your mind now and again. It's not always advice we seek or even need. The question is not always "What should I do?" Sometimes the real question is, "Is anybody there?" Life gets really bleak and gloomy when you feel all alone. Trust me. I know. Few things are worse than feeling life is pointless. I do whatever I can to avoid feeling this way. The only worse feeling to me is to fear life more than you fear death. These are dangerous thoughts, my friend. Yes, things are going to happen. Some of them you can do something about. Others are out of our reach. I know that worrying about what is beyond my control is a sure path to misery. This is one of the things I try to work on each day. Care with all your heart to the point where you can help. Going beyond your ability and reach helps no one. It only brings pain and self-loathing. It is not a measure of compassion and empathy. The fact that it is breaking your heart proves you are a loving, caring person. It's just that kicking yourself around just to prove you are loving and worthy is non-productive and wrong. Save some of that love and compassion for that soul in the mirror. Yes, you ARE WORTHY of love. As for what is actually in my control, I've got to break that down into manageable bits. When the entire forest is just too much, I try to take it tree by tree by tree. Maybe that way, I'll be out of the woods someday.