Friends, Romans, Strangers, and Acquaintances: Lend me your screens. Or not. Whether you do is up to you. This is simply where I go to 'talk' to myself, or to no one and everyone all at the same time. It's just a place where I put these thoughts into writing and see if I might can make sense of some of them. It's a conversation of one, but I don't really mind if anyone listens in. So, welcome to my mental realm. Enjoy your stay. The crayons are to the left, the baskets are to the right. Napoleon Bonaparte and Abraham Lincoln are at the help desk to answer any questions you may have. If not, feel free to check with Ms. Argentina at the window. Otherwise, stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.
(And now, on to today's topic)
It is an amazing interconnected world isn't it? In theory I could talk to just about anyone, most anywhere. You would think it to be so easy, but it's not. Friendship is one of the few true treasures of this world. Rare people, beautiful souls. There were times in the past when I was fortunate enough to have good friends, a couple of them even in other parts of the world. You would think it would be so easy in this interconnected world, but not so much. Especially for someone like me. Really, I was very fortunate back then. I really do miss them. Nowadays I still have 'friends' on social media, but that's just a list on one of Zuckerberg's servers. True friendship is too beautiful to be processed by some corporate giant and made into something else entirely. A list is just a list. True friendship means so much more. And I miss it. I miss it so much. As for acquaintances and yadda Yoda, How well do people actually know each other anyway? I mean, how well can we really? And how much difference is there between who we each really are and the public relations image that some of us project to the world? That is the question, really. Aren't we all strangers at the end of it all? There is not one single human being on this planet that I could consider a close friend or trust with my every secret. There used to be, but they are now lost to time and events. I may be surrounded by people everywhere I go, but I am in reality, alone these days. This is not hyperbole. It's the stone cold truth and I know it very well. I really have nobody to talk to anymore. So instead I put it all out here for any random stranger to happen upon. But whoever that might be is most likely less a stranger than the people I already 'know'. Whoever they might be never pretended to be anything they're not, nor did they ever lead me to believe that I actually meant something to them. They are certainly no less my friend than a fake list on some social media site. Besides: You guys probably love me no less than they do. Ah, how sweet. Why, I love you too. Just as Jewel sang about how a heart starved for love can hallucinate, turning monsters into angels. Just as Bob Segar sang about being surrounded by strangers he thought were his friends. It's a total bummer when you allow yourself to think for too long. I make my best effort to turn my thoughts to other things. Once I had hobbies I could just dive into to distract me and even make me happy. And I have said many times, there once was one person I could talk to. Part of my grief is that she deserved far better than to die so young. Another part is just that I miss her so much. And the other part is the kinda selfish feeling that she was that one person I trusted, and that I have no one to trust anymore. Funny yet not funny at all is the way my thoughts always come around again to her. I guess I've talked myself in circles about this and I will try my best to talk of other things. Maybe not of shoes and ships and sealing wax or cabbages and kings, But I'll think of something. What is all this, really? Maybe an outlet. I can't really say. Does it help? I once thought so. I don't really claim to know anything. Most days I am running on autopilot. When your first thought upon waking is 'Dammit, I'm still alive?' and sinking back into the haze of faking through another day, Well it kinda says something about you, right? Heavy thoughts about heavy things, man. I certainly wish I could be more entertaining, not to be that buzz kill, but it's not easy. Not easy when your thoughts are scattered, your heart is broken, your spirit is weary, and just about everything else in your world is totally fucked. Yeah yeah, I know. Drama queen, drama queen. Who's been painting my roses red? Wouldn't Wonderland be an awesome place to be? I would fit right in. Plus their brand of madness is the fun kind, rather than the depressing madness of the real world and of my own life. I wonder exactly what was in that tea they were drinking? Probably a spot of Lucy In The Sky if I had to guess. It has always been and will always be my favorite Disney movie in any case. Okay, okay, okay. Subject change, clean cup move down! Do you ever wonder what of yourself will be left behind? I do. My collection of digital stuff is one thing that I hope will remain. It is not only my stuff, but also what I could save of my sister's. So, yes I hope it is somehow preserved for decades, even centuries. Therefore I hope it falls into the hands of the right person. Most everything you would want to know about me is in those files. Plus a lot of movies, music, books, software, games, and websites from the golden age of all things awesome, all stored on supposedly 1000 year M Disk Blu-rays. Roughly 6.5 Terabytes and more than a couple decades. I know this is a weird thing to obsess about, but it takes my mind off other things. The most important part of it is the pictures and other things of memories and people, things you couldn't find anywhere else. And Marsha's digital memory is of special importance to me. That is what I want to last forever. Do you know what I'd like to see happen? That 5D data storage in crystal glass becoming available and affordable. Its lifespan is equal to the age of the universe and I could fit my entire collection on 1 disk many, many times. How many? Well however many times six and a half goes into 360TB. Some people call them Superman crystals after those shown in Superman 2. Well I'm not from Krypton, but I would sure like to leave something behind that might somehow live forever. It probably makes it all the more ironic that I myself don't want to live forever. To put the irony even further, I would find living forever to be a fate worse than death. And the more life goes on, the less I fear it. In fact, If things keep going as they have been, there will come a day when I'll be just like the grandpa from Southpark, chasing the Grim Reaper and shouting "Come back here you son-of-a!" Hmmmmmmm. And now, my dear friends, I think it's time for another yet one of my famous subject changes. Clean cup move down...
I sometimes wish I was born in simpler times. I guess, in a way, I was. See, I'm just old enough to remember everything being done on paper and with snail mail. I'd get a paper check from work and would have to physically carry it to the bank on paydays. Then when the bills rolled in, I'd have to write paper checks and send them off in the mail. There was also something I used to call the Check Game. There were about 3 or 4 stores in town that I had it memorized how long it would take for a check written there to actually reach my bank account. Broke and need something two days before payday? Play the check game! You don't dare do that in 2022. The grocery store once took 3 days to reach my bank. Nowadays, that money is zapped before I reach the door. The check game is a lost art these days. Too bad, because I was once a Check Game Jedi Master. It probably gives away my age to say that I've lived in both that world and this one too. There are a lot of things about the present world that are indeed better. I'd be lying, though, if I were to say there weren't a few things about that old world that I still miss. Then again I also wish I could have come along in a futuristic time when minds can be transferred to robots. And wouldn't those scientists be surprised. Hellooooo Meeeeee! Being this biological organism, this pinnacle of evolution, this living creature does have its drawbacks, you know. First of all, getting old happens a hell of a lot faster than one might think. Secondly, there are a lot of things that I sure as hell did not get to decide. Who am I, really? I could say I am this complicated collection of electrical signals, pulses, and waves, unfortunately bound to this gray matter, which is in turn bound inside this skull and therefore this living creature. And like every other human being that ever lived, I surely did not choose to be. However, shouldn't I at least be the main decision maker on just who I am? That, my friends is the million dollar question. Still, looks like I am stuck with this particular mortal coil. Bummer, right? So, as it stands, I must do the best with what I've got, yet while being as true to myself as I can. It's not easy, folks. Talk about feeling like an alien on your own planet. I know there must be others like me somewhere. Out of billions, the law of averages must have some meaning at least. The search for realness and commonality is quite a quest in itself. I've heard a lot of talk here and there about being genuine, being real. But that sure doesn't seem to be what is in demand. Instead there seems to be quite a lot of superficial skin deep illusory bullshit about as deep as a street puddle. Oh, they give lip service from time to time of various activities or bits of culture to give the illusion of depth, but don't you believe it. They are about as deep as Right Said Fred. Now, I guess there's nothing illegal about it, and it wouldn't be so bad without all the false depth and meaning. I wonder just what is the dividing line between healthy self confidence and vanity. What is it? Where is it? Just wondering. Guess it's not my business to judge anyone outside of myself. I will say that with myself, I like to have this bit of affirmation, the ability to see a reflection that I feel to be truly me. Why? Because if I can feel grounded at least in this one crucial way, and if I have just this one thing, I could manage everything else just fine. It's not about being in love with yourself. It is more about showing love for the one person we often forget in favor of others. Take it from me: You are just as deserving of your love and respect as others are. That's sanity, not vanity. You're being yourself and not simply putting on a show. There really is a difference, you know. As for helping others, I truly believe that shouting to the world, "Hey, look what I did!" changes the motive entirely. What once was pure altruism, becomes nothing more than putting on a front and managing a reputation. Nothing more. And what bothers me the most is that such behavior seems to work just fine in this world. Sadly it is such duplicity that will get one far in life, Political spin, but for individuals. Meanwhile the person who quietly helps gets the false impression. Believe me, it is very difficult to compete with a fullon PR campaign, even if you know yourself to be right. And if you really want to see some perfect examples of this bullshit, look no further than the pages of social media. I stopped posting on that certain social media site over a week ago. I am not sure if this is a permanent thing or just a bit of a break. I only know that the less time I spend there, the better off I am mentally. Isn't it strange that something one would think would make us feel more connected does quite the opposite in reality. It just enhances these feelings of loneliness and disconnect. Besides the politics and the religion, besides the ads and keeping up with the Joneses dialed up to 11, there is the fact that I do not know one human being on there that I could honestly relate to anymore. We're all strangers, really. Even the people I thought I knew. Not to blame them because I'm probably ever the stranger to them.
I have changed a lot. I am simply not the same. And I'm having a time even getting to know myself all over again. That seems to be a tall enough order all its own. For the last several days I've had this unsettled feeling. I cannot really describe it in a more precise manner. Waiting for the other shoe to drop? I don't know. I've still been having these crazy dreams. There is something heavy going on below that surface level of consciousness. Part of me is obviously bothered by something. Having a nightmare involving both zombies and my ex sure does not bode well. I wonder what a mind doctor would say. I just feel unsettled, can't just relax and watch the wheels. Maybe it's something to do with this financial crunch I seem to find myself in. My hours have been cut at work, inflation has everything going up except for my wages.. Could that be it? Or maybe it's something more than that. This is just the sort of thing I'd be picking up the phone and calling my baby sister to talk about. But, these days I just ramble in text form for anybody who might come across this blog of mine. (Hello, there!) I don't think the source of this unsettled feeling is just my finances. I have had to do so much with so little for most of my adulthood, for many many years. This is really nothing new. There has to be more. Maybe it is my figuratively standing on that edge, that point of no return where if I take that step, there's no going back. But, again this is nothing new. I have been grappling with this internally for a long time now. Just what exactly is amiss here? What is with these nerves? Part of me knows something that the rest of me doesn't. That's gotta be it. But what? What could it be? As of yet, I have no answer. To live in peace is really my one remaining desire. Well I do have more, but I think I could let go of everything just for peace. I honestly feel I've done my time. Tired of thoughts that go round and round, feelings that get me nowhere. This again is nothing new and I will try my best not to rehash old ground. Though sometimes it really can't be helped. Maybe some rest is all I really need. I feel as though I haven't slept for a long time. But I did sleep, that's the thing. Still, the world sure seems fuzzy wuzzy, and it's been a bit tough putting two thoughts together. I feel like if I could only close my eyes for a little while, I just might be alright. But, there's work to do and it's going to be a long time before I can. Guess I just need to fake it for a little while longer. It's not that I actually choose these heavy heavy thoughts. I chase them away as best I can, but sometimes they get the jump on me. I haven't yet surrendered completely to them, but there are times when a strategic retreat is well in order.
Maybe this life is nowhere near as bleak as I so often feel it is. But have you ever tried to argue or reason with a feeling? Not easy is it? While emotion doesn't jive well with regular logic, It does jive quite well with a different set of logic all its own. And in itself, it makes perfect sense. And it can tint your world in a variety of color. From nostalgic orange to cherry red to deep blue. And it's got to figure in, filter in to your thoughts. Emotions add that weight, Heavy, heavy thoughts, man. I try to put them out of my mind. I'm like a goalkeeper in this crazy game of thought hockey. I try not to let them get past me, but you know? I am not always successful. I try to have positive thoughts, but it's not that so easy. Positivity cannot just come from nothing. It's got to have a solid foundation. It has to actually have something to be built on. It can't be conjured out of nothing. If I could do that, I would. I'd probably turn a few certain individuals into frogs, too. Ribbit ribbit ribbit! I could probably half my trip to work and have an extra broom for sweeping my work area at the end of the day. But sadly, I seem to have lost my spell books somewhere along the way. A pity, really. This could have been a lot of fun. Getting back to my long abandoned point, I cannot feel a certain way without a reason to. Even if there are many times even I am not sure why, the reason is still there. Lost, invisible, whatever, it is still there. There is always a why. And the feeling will never gone for long until the reason is too. Symmetry can be about more than just geometry, my friends. The emotion, the reason, and myself. Maybe I just need a reboot. As I said before, this body of mine seems to think I haven't slept the past couple nights. I seem to remember konking out early and barely getting up in time for work. I certainly don't remember being up all night. And since alcohol was not involved on either occasion, I can be fairly sure that I did indeed sleep these past two nights. My body seems to believe otherwise. It wouldn't be the first time we disagreed on something, believe you me. This is yet another prime example of feelings outweighing logic. I am so looking forward to falling over into my bed like a giant Redwood.... (Crash!) And hibernating like a bear. Well only for a few hours since I unfortunately have to work for a living. I'd rather sleep until spring, if not forever. Give me dreamless sleep as deep as the Marianas Trench, just one millimeter from being comatose. Give me the free trial version of eternal oblivion. Let me sleep for 100 years like the whole kingdom in Sleeping Beauty did. Give me the sleep that Ash fell into in Army Of Darkness. If I wake up in the year 2500, so be it. Can't suck much worse than 2022. Waking up to find out this awful year had only been a bad dream is my dream indeed. 2022 is a bad dream, baby. I just want to wake up and (SNAP!) find it gone. And, yes, I did kinda quote Ricardo Tubbs just then.
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