The YouTube algorithm has long decided upon introducing me to some unusual human beings. It happens ever so often that I am intrigued enough to follow up on the wider internet to find out more or if what has been said is even true. Must be my weirder side. Guess that algorithm must know that, huh? I won't go into the names, but I will tell you the one thing I have learned from all of them: Looks indeed are deceiving. Some people look dangerous and are not. They even have kind and gentle souls. Others look sweet and innocent, but you'd better not turn your back on them. Gender is no indicator for whether they're dangerous or not either. If you are ever fortunate/unfortunate enough to catch the algorithm I have, you're gonna see a lot of pretty or handsome faces on a lot of gals and guys. But as Johnny Rivers sang, A pretty face can hide an evil mind. Behold and beware this algorithm. It opens ones eyes. And what's bad for me is I not only can't look away, I've also gotta go find out more. I think what put me down that algorithmic path was watching a few of the aptly named "Down The Rabbit Hole" videos on YouTube. I have asked myself why I find these true crime and/or crazy stories so fascinating is maybe it gives me a chance to investigate, to see if I can determine the truth. Are they guilty or were they merely someone in the wrong place at the wrong time and are needlessly being accused, bullied, or trolled. I'm like Magnum PI without the stash. I'm just interested in the truth. Of course in some of these where law enforcement was involved, it's pretty clear. Okay, enough of this. Subject change clean cup, move down.
Radio and sound waves both have harmonics. So do thoughts, feelings, and memories. So do events, so does life, so do people, especially the ones that we love. She resonates in my mind, and echoes forever in my heart. At least there's that, right? Human beings are not robots, you know. Yet we seem to be expected to act like we don't have feelings, other things in our life, or maybe other purposes for being here rather to just work and die. I wonder what future awaits the human condition. Doubtless the major breakthrough that finally makes human existence about more than being subservient to the almighty dollar is gonna happen well after I am in the grave. They use us until there's nothing left. It is one thing to know the reality. It is another thing to have to live it. It is one thing to understand on an intellectual level, another to understand emotionally. I feel like I will forever dwell between those apples and oranges, those rocks, those hard places. When I say I am tired as I have said so many times before, the meaning does not diminish, and there are so many more meanings than one. And when you are so damn tired and expected to act as though you don't know the meaning of the word, and you are trying your heart out just to comply, yet you still catch hell? Well, there's nothing more discouraging, disheartening, or more depressing. Maybe way back when it seemed worth all that hell. But it's far too late and far too pointless anymore. I've been thinking dark thoughts I thought I'd long ago exorcized. Thoughts are only thoughts of course. It's just been a very difficult year for me. All the loss, all the stress. We all have our demons I guess. Those demons are figurative rather than literal. It makes them no less hellish if you ask me. I don't want to go back to thinking those thoughts. It took something drastic last time. I had to have something to look forward to. I needed something on that horizon that was worth the fight to stay on this road. I can't simply exist and it be worth the struggle. I need more. I need so much more. I want to live, not languish. I want something to look forward to other than death. And I want to think thoughts that don't involve the darkness, of closing chapters that can never be reopened. I once knew someone who fought some of the same demons, so we fought them together, Two warriors in a just and noble cause, shoulder to shoulder, back to back, swords drawn, shields glimmering. But she finally won, or lost, depending on your view, and I am now fighting alone. And see, she was a lot of my reason to fight on. Without my guardian, I find I just don't give a damn anymore. Let it all burn to the ground for all I care. It just doesn't matter. If nobody else cares, why should I? I really feel like I've paid more than my dues. After all these years, there ought to be some improvement in the circumstances. Instead, the situation continues to deteriorate. I feel like I'm trying to keep the goddamn Titanic afloat with nothing but myself and a 5 gallon bucket. Pointless, right? You know if pre-birth is like death, then there might be something to be said for it. I didn't suffer the fall of the Roman Empire. The great depression and the World Wars were no problem for me, neither was the turbulence of the 1960s. I wasn't alive then, therefore I have no memory, good or bad. Unless there are past lives. I hope not. The thought of having to go through all this shit over and over again would truly drive me insane. If death is like pre-birth, then maybe it's not such a bad thing. I really don't know. Don't take the last few sentences too seriously. It's just my rambling mind, and these thoughts ramble, wander, and wonder a lot. They're like Dion in all his 1950s glory. Either I have no time to think or I have way too much time to think. This is a consequence of the latter. Remember, a good servant to the gods, governments, or corporations should never think too much. If you do start thinking, going from a to b to c, you begin to realize a lot of things. Knowledge is power, and they don't want you to have that, no, no, no. And as for my commentary on the status of the world today I will quote Buffalo Springfield, Nobody's right if everybody's wrong.
Ever hear of the insomnia demon? That little bastard likes to steal sleep, sanity, and social skills. On mornings after, I try to simply avoid people because I know I'm gonna be grouchy and antisocial. I honestly wish it were otherwise, but a lack of sleep is one of those things that makes me that way. Still, some folks persist and get the very conversation I was trying to avoid, but fact is I can't always be Disney chipper especially when my head is pounding, my world is fuzzy, Can't think, can't concentrate at all, and I'm far from ready to deal with shit. Hey. I'm not the one who's trying to poke a hibernating bear in his own damn cave! Grrrrrrrrrrrr! I'm not unapproachable, but there are certain ways that will bring out my grouch that would even leave Oscar in the dust. Look, I can't help it when I haven't had my sleep. Zombie Me is a bit of a jerk. I admit it. I'm not saying it's right, but it can't be helped. Even if I make my best effort to improve. Problem is, despite whatever efforts I make, the functionality upstairs to be a sweet social butterfly just aint working on 2 hours sleep. It's all I can do to go through the motions. I can only promise to do oh so much better tomorrow. You see, I'll be so damn worn out and exhausted when I finally get through the end of the day that this insomnia demon won't stand a chance the following night. Then I'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning. That demon can only win on a one night basis. So in short, If I'm being an ass, just know I tried to avoid it. I tried keeping to myself and staying on top of things enough to avoid the need of conversation. I didn't force the issue. Not to mention I have never ever been a morning person in my life and it takes a bit of getting my shit together before I'll ever be ready to deal. I didn't invent this system where everybody's gotta rise at or before the butt crack of dawn. It's insanity if you ask me. Especially after a night of chasing and never quite catching sleep. Still, I guess I have to meet expectations as best I can. Seems harder to do in this latter half of living. It was so much easier to face up when I was young and still felt like I had some sort of a future. Ya know what I mean, Verne? Meanwhile here's hoping break time power naps will get me through on days like that. My problem is neither with being asleep nor with being awake. Really it's the transition between the two states. I have a hell of a time falling asleep and even more trouble waking up. I mean when I'm out, I'm out cold. Anything more would be comatose.... Or dead, really. Sleep is the great escape when bad dreams are not involved. I had one hell of a nightmare last week. An instant replay of losing my baby sister. I didn't know one could literally cry in their sleep. I guess we're never too old to learn new things, right? I have honestly been a total zombie this week, drifting through on autopilot, going through the motions. Monday was super stressful. I didn't really sleep that night which made Tuesday quite hellish. Wednesday and today were just busy as hell. For someone who craves simplicity and peace as much as I do, I do declare this whole damn universe is trolling me. Is there any wonder motivation or the lack thereof has been off the freaking rails of late? If I spend a day busting my butt and breaking my back to accomplish more than expected and all I get is grief because it wasn't quite to folks liking... Well don't expect the same effort next time. I'll take my time to get it to perfect specs. Remember that a pat on the back is never far from a kick in the ass. And life is way too damn short for this kind of stress. Also the pay is way too low for it. And the benefits? They're both unaffordable and suck all at the same time. Quite a feet, huh? In other words, they're getting too good a bargain outta me as it is to complain. I guess the bottom line with company A is that we're just not gonna be happy with each other. I guess I've been around long enough to have seen the world and the wheels go round so many times that I am simply both tired of them and bored with them, all at the same time. This is all a game for the young and I'm just too damn old for this shit. The only surprises I get anymore (Especially in 2022) are those of a tragic nature. The rest is all expected BS. Work, sleep, pay bills, run yourself in circles just for the privilege of existence. By Grabthar's Hammer, what a bargain. The long road of evolution has led to this. I wonder if we're in an evolutionary cul-de-sac. Are we really going anywhere with this or do we turn around and go the other way? This simply cannot be the pinnacle of existence. There is no higher level of being with the Metal Lord. (Unless you're hanging out with Ozzy) I mean really, is this it? I guess the answer is all around me in any direction I look. Chaos and uncertainty to infinity. It is quite difficult to put two thoughts together. It's all lost in the noise, the static, the roar of the television snow. It is so easy to lose track, to forget, to drift away into nothingness. I have so much to say but no real idea of how to say it. That's why you get ramblings like these. Just a download of all the chaos in my brain. Raw text, you could say. And so ends another session with Doctor Blog-ieo. He's crappy, but you can't beat the price. He's the therapist for the broke and the poor. No one can succeed like Doctor Blog-ieo. Catch the lyrical reference?
No comments:
Post a Comment