Hi, Sis.
It's been two weeks and two days. You are never far from my thoughts, you know. It's like every aspect of my life and everything I do is in the context of remembering you, of missing you. I was reading this article. It was about some scientists believing that this universe is truly infinite. Now I am one to ask how can infinity still be expanding, but. My thought at the time was that if it is infinite, then you are still out there. Not just once but many times over. Also there are many versions of me that still have their baby sister alive and well. In infinity, possibilities repeat. Then Saturday, I really couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I found myself going through old files and pictures and watching the saddest Futurama endings. If not for you, I never would have known that awesome show existed. And when I see that episode where Fry's brother names his baby boy after him, a brother that he misses dearly... Well. I wish I had a daughter to name after you. It does seem that everything I encounter these days is seen through a sister tinted lens.
Today is chilly, gloomy, overcast, and fits the season and how I'm feeling of late. Last week saw some beautiful mild sunshine, with the birds singing and everything beautiful. Yes I like days like that and I know that winter doesn't last forever. Just like everything else and us.. I know, I know. Nothing lasting forever is fine with me as long it is the winter, bad times, and politicians. Not so much when it comes to things and especially people who make my life better just by being part of it. You were and hopefully still are in some form way or another. Physically alright in some parallel universe, Spiritually fine on some other plane, or living in my own heart. Distance in space or distance in time. Either way, I cannot adhere to the hopeless belief that you no longer exist, some way, somehow, sometime. I might as well give up completely, And I know well you wouldn't want me to. So for my own mental health (and some might find this ironic) I'm not only going to believe you still are somewhere, but also that these words can reach you somehow, That you know I will never forget you, that I will remember you in many times, when I'm watching our favorite shows, listening to our favorite music, playing our favorite video games, and that there is no way I ever could or even would stop loving you.
These days already seem to melding into one. People are gonna be people. I know you would understand what I mean. I couldn't do the job you used to do. In some ways I know you were stronger than me, also that you were in that situation and had the courage and dedication to face it. I well remember from our talks that it was not easy. I know this also because I know a bit of that internal struggle that I would never have had to describe to you because you knew exactly what it's like. Still you braved that struggle every day. I doubt I could have. The times I have to deal with difficult people are not as common, but I find myself having much less patience with them and have been sort of giving it right back. The world going on now that I've lost you is more than enough to deal with, but I know I have to go on with it. But maybe you'd be proud that I won't let myself be mistreated as much as before. As I said, you were the greatest guardian a big brother could have ever hoped for.
I have always heard it said that life goes on, so many times and again. I know it does. I see it all around me. But, you know? What about what I see, know, feel within me? I guess that's where pause and rewind live on and on. It's a song on repeat. I wonder just how much I can hold onto within as the world without goes on and on. As my mind has slowly begin to clear, I find myself wondering the best way to keep your memory, the very essence that made you who you are, preserved so that others may know the awesome human being that you are. 'Were' is not in my vocabulary when it comes to you. You are and will always be in whatever way I can make it happen.
I am not exactly thinking clearly right now as I know you could probably tell. You know me, scrambled, scattered, random thoughts that happen to be all over the place. The only clear thought is just how much I miss you right now. You are never far from my thoughts. It seems that most everything I do these days reminds me of you. The rare times that you're not in the front of my mind, you're still there somewhere. There has already been several times I found something online that I know you would think was cool just like I do. I remember promising to keep a watch on that Buffy The Vampire Slayer Doom mod I told you about in our very last conversation. I'm still watching that site and I'm still going to download it when they post a link. Then I'm going to play through all the levels and think of you. I just won't be able to send it to you. Funny how I think of doing so sometimes like losing you was just a bad dream, only to catch myself and realize.... Funny how the mind tricks the heart sometimes. The mind is like Obi-wan and the heart is like that stormtrooper in Mos Eisley.
I guess deep down I know it all of the time, but so much of me wants to fall into this dream where you're still here. Kind of like How Leela was about Fry in "The Sting". Reality kind of has an awful bite to it sometimes. I keep going full circle and returning to similar words, don't I? Anyway I feel this overpowering need to make sure you are never forgotten. I know I am not the only one.
I love you, Sis.
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